Who am I?

I’ve gotten to the point of really examining my unofficial policy of withholding information.  There are some things that I’ve been historically apt not to talk about, though the information is findable if someone really wanted to find it.  Which, you know, kind of negates the whole effort towards privacy or anonymity.

The essential problem, as I think I’ve stated before, is the fact that this blog is fully public, and there are things about me which…make divulging information about myself, a bit risky.  At this point, though, possibly because of my Art classes, I’m feeling a little safer.  After all, it’s hard for an author to talk about anything personal at all, without letting the reader know information about the author themselves.  In the interest of not shutting down entirely, I got the idea that maybe I should decide what information about myself to make public, and then deliberately publicize it, and keep it in a spot where I can remember what I said.  🙂  This grants context, which is likely largely missing from this blog, as things stand.

My parents are sourced from different cultural diaspora.  One side of my family comes from Japan; the other from Louisiana.  Accordingly, I’m half Japanese-American and half African-American.  My locality is the San Francisco Bay Area, which is a sufficiently large and populous place that I probably don’t have to worry about being found.  🙂

I consider myself gender-fluid, though really, my gender is all over the map.  I can’t predict, really, what I’m going to feel like when I wake up tomorrow.  Sometimes I’m more feminine, sometimes more masculine, sometimes my gender seems to be organized around something other than physical sex.  When I was born, I was labeled a girl, but that hasn’t really held weight with me for most of my life.  Because of this, I’ve had experiences growing up which were not pleasant.

I believe this was more intense for me than it was for most kids.  I would regularly have homophobic slurs thrown at me anonymously when I was trying to get from class to class, which didn’t make sense, as I’d never had a girlfriend.  This meant, then, that my targeting had no basis other than my gender expression leading people to think I was lesbian.  There was a conflation of gender identity and expression and sexual orientation here, for those who know what I’m saying.  For those who don’t know what I’m saying, lesbians generally don’t look different from the general population, and they usually don’t identify as a gender other than the one they’re assumed to be.  Therefore, targeting me as a “lesbian” because I  appeared gender-nonconforming, was off-base.

At this point, I can see that ideas around gender are really culturally emphasized for what seem to be not-very-good reasons.  Especially so, as I’m not planning on kids.  I’m not planning any big physical modifications, either.  Part of this is health-related, and part is that I know too much about the drawbacks of testosterone, having been in the transgender and genderqueer communities for about 15 years.  I’m already on medications I may be on for the rest of my life, which require other medications to counter the side effects of the ones actually doing the heavy lifting; I don’t want to be on more.

Sexual orientation is a bit…undefined, here.  It’s difficult to orient myself as being focused on loving one sex or gender when most of the people I’m attracted to, are themselves in this same kind of define-yourself-as-yourself zone where it comes to gender identity.  I’m thinking that this is likely because people who experience similar things are more apt to respect my own gender status — though this really only largely applies with genderqueer or genderqueer-leaning  people.  I think the biggest thing about this, though…is that the first person I felt really saw me as a person and not as a role, was transgender, and didn’t totally buy into heteronormative masculinity.  It’s actually kind of something to meet someone who can see past your appearance and let you be who you are, and accept you as you are.  I have a feeling that guy was a bodhisattva…though I never asked him his religious views.

Romantically…and sexually, I just am generally not highly motivated to find a partner.  Socially speaking, I’m still learning how to form and maintain relationships (a lot of the time when I could have been learning this as a young adult, was disrupted by queer bashing and omnipresent hate and cliquish BS in high school and early college).

I do get crushes on people sometimes, but there have been a total of four people in my life so far whom I’ve felt strong attraction to.  None of those have worked out in such a way that I’ve been in love with someone who loved me back.  When I was at my first college, I was introduced to alternative relationship styles, particularly polyamory (which helped, as the University I went to had the problem of every single queer woman I knew constantly being partnered to someone else; at the time, I wasn’t in a space to deal with cisgender males).  Of course, though, I wasn’t very motivated to play around.  I’m not certain if I’m on the asexuality spectrum or not…I’d probably consider myself demisexual, if anything, but I haven’t gotten the chance to see, having never been in love with the chance to act on it.

My drive seems to be more about love and wanting to be intimate and caring than anything about reproduction or jollies.  Which, again, may demonstrate a reason why it might not matter to me, what sex I am.

Philosophically…I tend toward Buddhism, though I hear that I seem to have grappled with existentialism a fair bit.  Politically, I’m a member of the Green Party, even though it seems there is not much hope of a Green candidate winning a major election.  I think the last time it almost happened, the Green candidate split the vote with the Democratic candidate, so even though there were a majority of us Lefties voting, the Right-winger won.  (We’re going to have to organize better, next time.)

I’m just beginning to get into Environmental and Social Justice issues.  It’s become a prevalent stream of thought all around my cultural situation.

Spiritually — I’m a very spiritual person, though not particularly a dogma-accepting one.  I still haven’t decided whether what I am qualifies as “religious” or not, but I tend to stay away from the label.  There have been a number of bodhisattva types in my life who have provided me the opportunity to grow…which makes me wonder.  I have questioned whether I took the vows in a past life…after all, no one is born Buddhist.  (Or are they…?)

In practicality, my life right now is revolving around my Art.  I love my flippin’ Art.  I’m thinking that it is somehow therapeutic, and as my ex-therapist said once to me, the life I save by doing it may be my own.

Along with the artistic drive, for me, goes a certain degree of eccentricity.  It’s hard to be creative when you’re afraid of what will happen if you create, or write, or speak; so I’ve been trying to get better at doing so.  I’ve been involved with some groups online who…I don’t entirely fit with, anymore, but the experience of having been there did allow me to creatively develop.  The issue then becomes how to translate that into language that the world can comprehend (as most problems here stem from miscommunication).

And, I almost forgot:  I do have some mental health stuff going on, but this is an ongoing, ever-present thing.  What seems to have happened is that I inherited a vulnerability to a certain class of disorders, and the random queer-bashing in high school and college triggered it into overt symptoms.

At present, probably the worst of my symptoms, by far, is anxiety; but even that isn’t really bothering me as much as it once did.  I know from second-hand experience that I don’t want to go on Disability if I can help it, because that life is an impoverished one.  Hence, the search for a stable job and career which can support me, and support my Art.

I don’t think I’m asking for much.  I just have to find my way.

October 17, 2015

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