Yes, I’m still here. Actually. Really. :)

I don’t even know how long I’ve been away from this blog, but the temporary state of being in de facto, 12 units, while preparing for graduation is…apparent. Not to mention taking care of general University trainings.

It must have taken me 30-45 minutes the other night (I can’t remember which night and I didn’t write it down) just to figure out everything that is coming due this week. Luckily, I should be able to get in my second exercise for my Database class and be somewhat prepared to talk to a new contact, by tomorrow. The next deadline set is Wednesday.

The major issue is so much reading, though at least it’s easy enough for me. There’s that, and listening to audio recordings (which just take time and attention) and research. The other major thing is sedation, which I’ve been experiencing as the Prozac leaves my system (I was taking the Prozac to counter the sedation).

I realized a couple of days ago that I have (or had) been really irritable/angry/triggered, and I am no longer certain whether it’s my life that is the cause, or if withdrawal is distorting (or clarifying) my perception.

In any case, I realized last night that I hadn’t logged on here for…my Stats read a week or so, if I assume my last posting was the last time I was on. Actually, though, I did start drafting a post about 2/3 of a week ago, and then went and took care of the issue instead of writing about it.

There’s been a lot of stuff happening; mostly around death in both sides of my family, now. My office is pretty messed up (particularly the small papers all over the floor off to one side of my terminal) and I’ve ceased to worry about it, but I do need to do some laundry and clean the bedroom so I can get back to using the desk (and have clothes I look good in). I also really need to shower; maybe I can do that tomorrow morning before heading out (I just don’t want to dry my hair, really).

I also have not contacted any of my professors yet re: Disability accommodations. I kind of feel like it helps me be lazy, and in the real world, I’ll need to work to deadlines. The problem is that going without sleep for too long, or having dysregulated sleep for too long, may trigger an episode in me. It’s better to turn something in 18 hours late and maintain my health, than it is to pull an all-nighter and be damaged and unable to fully function for 3-4 weeks…which is why I have the accommodation.

Tomorrow, I might go out for some more pens (I use color differentiation to tell where one set of notes ends and the next begins, but all of my colored gel pens are running low). I bet that will help me get out of bed at a reasonable time.

And…the Bullet Journaling is actually helping, though it’s not a big deal to look at. I basically have been writing tasks down for the week, every week, with due dates.

I’ve also decided that I don’t want to be a back-end Web Developer. The Database class is kind of like a math class…oddly enough, I think I may be happier in a front-end Web Developer or Web Designer role. But it’s a good thing I found that out.

Alright. I think I can get back to homework, now; taking time out for this journal/blog constitutes caring for myself. Sometimes it’s just good to have a place to record what’s happening so you don’t forget it because of rushing so fast to get everything done…

Advertisements

One paper down; gaining some breathing room.

I’ll try not to make this a long post. I started to write something here right after I got out of bed, today, but instead diverted myself into a paper that is now completed and turned in. That…did take around nine hours of work, minus an evening meal.

Now I have to figure out what is due next, but luckily I think I’ll be able to complete the vast majority of it before I have to go back to my job.

Study for tonight had to do with inferring how a database was set up in a website of my choice. It was actually…really interesting, once I started to get into it. The prof for that class has also stated that the readings are there if we don’t understand the lectures, but not required.

I might dip into Chapter 2, but as his lectures were a total of 3 hours, and I was taking notes, I think I got most of the content. My major concern is needing to access the book later on, and if I’ll be able to do it if I haven’t read the earlier chapters.

What’s amazing and a little frustrating is that for a different class, I have three separate lectures to listen to, but together, they’re only about one hour long. I wish that the professors would give us page counts and/or the lengths of what we’re supposed to listen to, before we click through to begin the work.

Not to mention, that some of our professors are laying out things for the next week, while others are laying out things for the next three weeks. And they don’t always give due dates on the readings. So on looking at the itinerary, we’re swamped with all this work…which is altogether due in three weeks?

Anyhow, I should have some wiggle room in my time, tomorrow, possibly enabling a trip to the produce market, and/or exercise. And…if I do poorly on the Power Mapping exercise, the class is only one unit. It can’t impact me that much.

I’ve also decided (for now) that if I do get time to spend freely, working on the sewing project feels like it will be most structured and productive.

Right now I’m just not certain whether to buy a certain book (to help me with that) as an electronic version or paper…

I started this post freaking out over school, now it’s just over weight.

Yeah, there are things more important than classwork…

I suppose it wouldn’t be too much to admit that I am now somewhat seriously freakin’ out over the workload I’ve set out for myself.

It is, however, a good thing that I stayed home today to listen to the three hours (!) of lectures I had for one class, or else I’d really feel like I was drowning. Today, what I got done was that (yeh, I’m kinda changing up my writing voice, for now), and a good set of abdominal exercises (aiming for 60 reps balanced per exercise, 30 reps to either side per exercise) plus over a mile clocked on the Exercycle (where I actually surpassed [!] 9 MPH, tension level = 6 [that detail probably won’t matter to anyone else]).

So after I listened to the lectures for my database class, I then went through all four of them (the classes, that is) and noted everything due this next period. I’m kind of getting irritated (that’s not the word I’m thinking of) at being expected to schmooze for part of my grade. I just don’t do that, well. And I’ve got serious “stuff” to attend to, like analyzing freaking websites.

And…yeah, I’m kinda getting “dark” here, like not “dark” as in “lost” but “dark” as in “angry.” It’s likely due to stress and a reduced amount of medication (which would normally help me deal with the stress).

My weight is still going up, by the way, but I’m pretty sure that little bump on the scale means my muscles (particularly my thighs and abs) are building, not that I’m taking on a bunch more fat.

(My belly fat is continually shrinking, by the way. Yay for resetting metabolisms! I wouldn’t be concerned except for the fact that Prozac use is linked to Type 2 diabetes, which in turn is linked to abdominal fat. And I just lost someone from diabetes [ongoing kidney failure, necrotizing bacteria] and had a friend who also lost someone [if not two people] from diabetes, not to mention others I know who have to live with it.)

What I need to do, really, is likely just stop drinking juice like I restarted doing when I stopped the Prozac. That was the big thing that caused me to stop gaining weight when I was still taking it, and…realistically, I’ve got 35 pounds to drop before I’ll be at optimal weight (I did actually break the 170 barrier yesterday, though that was after food and drink, not first-thing-in-the-morning stuff; at minimum, I’m at 165, meaning 30 to drop).

Hey, if I could be stable at 165 and hourglass and strong and lose the fat from under my jaw, I’m not sure I’d have a problem with it.

Then there is the entire grad-school stress…thing. That also contributes to the weight gain.

Why am I in this? I am in this because it’s important to M that I get a Master’s degree. I don’t know why; it has something to do with some nightmare couched in the phrasing of not, “working at McDonald’s.” Which, you know, I never had to do, but the same can’t be said of others in my family. So, you know, maybe it’s something they “know” about that I don’t.

But also, how many other people do you know that go through grad-school horrors because their parents want them to?

Well, there you go. A’ight. Who wants to do this? (or be a doctor or lawyer [or banker or teacher]?)

Oh, right, the other people in my program…

…well…why?

I did have the option with Voc Rehab of choosing a blue-collar job for my “vocation,” (electrician!) but I just didn’t. I can’t even really remember why I chose this line of work anymore, except that I already had an English degree and wanted to monetize it — and, right — that I was considering work in Publishing. Library work keeps you around texts, at least for the present day. And I thought it would be quiet.

Ha!

Well, that, and I didn’t (and don’t, still) feel entirely comfortable taking money from people. But in Capitalism, that’s what you’ve gotta do if you’re gonna survive; the money has to come from someplace, even if it’s going into your old coffee cup (which I’m sure we wish it wouldn’t). And even if it’s coming out of taxes.

I have dreams for Publishing, but they’re probably about 15 years in the future. Pearson is doing some work on it, last I checked (interactive books). Though I’m thinking interaction paired with social media, that (due to abuse of the system, which is fairly likely with college students) could become a Public Relations nightmare fairly quickly.

And, right: I didn’t want to enter a majority-male field and have to deal with the, “but you have the wrong ‘bits,'” for the rest of my life. HOW CAN I LOVE METAL IF I HAVE THE WRONG “BITS?”

Okay, I’m going to stop now.

Hey, at least I’ve still got a sense of humor. That’s something.

I should likely schedule some time (no, I mean really, schedule) to work on something creative. I’ve just got to determine what exactly that’s going to be, and when it is going to be. And when I’m going to do everything else.

Also, I’m a bit concerned about what kind of food my parents did bring back from the produce market…I sacrificed those hours to work on readings, today, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we’ve got a ton of apples and nothing else…

Yeah, I…I should get to bed…

Gettin’ serious, now:

Okay, so I guess attending class this morning does count as classwork done. Plus, I went to work (which wasn’t bad, this time).

There are actually a good deal of Library Assistants, Library Clerks, and Aides/Pages in my classes, which is causing me to think about getting back on the Clerk list. It would likely be less shocking a transition than going straight into an LA position. I’d just have to refresh my typing certificate, to apply.

I also have three more pages of reading to do before I can start in on all the little assignments due on Wednesday, and I should get on listening to the lectures.

Aside from that, and maybe starting in on another article (the one I’ve printed), that should be enough to think about, for the night.

If I really can’t sleep tonight, I can work on my own personal tech reading (e-books, tutorials), especially as my Database class will not cover MySQL (I found this out, today). I doubt I’ll have that much boredom, though.

There are some additional thoughts I’ve had in regard to listening to everyone’s different experiences…and my own workplace dynamics, but this isn’t the place for them. I should put them in a personal journal, or get back to work…

Not too stressed yet…

Yes, I am only three days into the semester, but one of those days I worked during the day, the next I slept nearly all of the day (I took medication after midnight!), and today…I got new shoes and earrings, instead of studying all my waking hours. (12g spirals! I won’t be able to put them in, though, for about 3 or 4 more weeks: I have to wait for my piercings to acclimate to their current size.)

I suppose the bright spot in there is that I have been studying at night, and I have been studying in the day, even though classroom attendance and reading short chapters, doesn’t seem like it’s really “studying.” Nor does introducing myself or keeping up with everyone else’s hellos. (It helps that I got slightly ahead [one chapter] in my politics class, before school started.) Also, I’m only working 11 hours a week, at this point.

I have also (tonight) restarted using my Bullet Journal. I’m juggling four courses and have needed to put all my tasks into one place so I could see what, exactly, needed to be done, and by when. Whether I’m doing it “right” or not remains to be seen — and that may not matter, as long as it’s working — but it is helping me visualize everything that I’ve got to get done by next week. And what has to be done isn’t overwhelming; it’s just tough to keep track of.

I think it will be best if I retain one page for each week of assignments.

I don’t think I can hold it all in my head at one time: I tried, and all it does is build intimidation and a slight aversion to checking what I actually have to do, not what I think I have to do. The latter is scarier.

I found out right before the semester started that I only need one to three samples of work for each of my e-Portfolio categories. This vastly simplifies what I thought would be an arduous process; I had upwards of 10-12 pieces of evidence in each category, prior (where I had that volume of work). But the Culminating Experience is not too dissimilar to my capstone class for the Art AA.

Luckily enough, I also think that my “week” turns over mid-week, not on Sundays, for most of my classes. I also have much less that I “have” to do, in terms of work and family responsibilities, than many other people, so I feel fortunate in that regard. It’s even possible that I might be able to work more, after February. I’m not sure, though.

I still haven’t gotten in touch with anybody about Disability accommodations, but I think this semester will be better than last semester, just because I’m learning how to learn and how to keep up. That is, I’ve got to be proactive in finding out what I need to do, and work against procrastination as I’m actually accomplishing the tasks. I have heard that I’m not the only person who can delay working on an assignment for longer than it takes to actually do the assignment! Is it bad that it makes me feel better? 😉

And how is it that grad school has gotten easier?

I also need to make an appointment with my vocational counselor, although I’ve already notified her about this. I’m not sure if it just fell between the cracks, or what, but I’m just trying to be compliant.

And with that…I should probably get some rest. Early morning, tomorrow!

Stressing, a bit, but I know why:

We decided today that I’m going to try and just stop the Prozac. I’ve been on 1/3 of a normal dose for about a month, 1/2 dose prior to that…and my belly has appreciably gone down with each reduction.

Right now I’m mostly concerned about school starting, again. And that’s largely because I’m in a four-week, 1-unit class that I’m probably about to hate (it’s on politics)…but I have to take it to fulfill a graduation requirement. Avoiding working on the reading for that, early, has pretty much killed this last week of Winter Break.

It could also be a touch of the Prozac not protecting me as adequately from depression. My sleep schedule has been messed up since I went down to 1/3 of a dose, and that — plus work stress, plus procrastination — is likely why I’m feeling so down.

There’s that, and realizing that I don’t really have to become a (Public) Librarian…and that I’m not really getting compensated enough at my job for everything I’m doing.

I think if a potential employer asked me why I was exiting the Library field, my answer would be, “ideology.” But I’ve got to deal with the ideology if I want to finish this last year.

I’m also in a MySQL course, which looks interesting but difficult. Then there is a class on reference interviews (useful for employability…I’ll leave it at that), and a class on teaching (not looking forward to that, but also useful for employability).

Summer should be interesting, and Fall (my last semester, depending) will likely be a bit stressful, but I should have fulfilled all of my requirements, by then.

I think it would be different if work wasn’t being a pain and if I weren’t being undercompensated and pushed into work that a Clerk should be doing. But I guess that’s what you get when you have the option to only go in for 11 hours a week. It would probably also be different if I had the option to just go straight for an Information Science degree and not worry about the ALA graduation requirements.

On top of that…there should be some celebrations coming up, and I honestly don’t know if I’ll have the energy. The good thing is that by the end of February, I should be back down to only having to deal with 9 units (which was hard enough last semester! — though, again, that was due to one single class).

I suppose, also, I don’t have to work myself to the bone like I did last semester (and I shouldn’t be looking forward to a semester of no play…I just hate to end the creativity trip right when I start being able to do it well again). I ended up getting all three grades in the A range in Fall 2017, which should adequately balance out that C- I got in Beginning Cataloging in Spring 2017.

Then there’s the **** portfolio and making sure ALL of it is backed up (more than once)…and rebuilding the portfolio because I didn’t know what I was doing the last time…

Hey, I guess on the bright side, maybe I’ll have the time and opportunity to take a second Programming class in Fall…

What do I do with my time?

Today was almost totally wasted asleep. I should have taken medication and gone to bed earlier, last night, but there were other things on my mind. Part of that happened to be reading over my backposts for the last semester.

The most bizarre thing about that is the fact that I had been aiming to work on sewing for most of Fall 2017, but didn’t realize it. I actually didn’t cut apart my pattern pieces for the monpe I wished to work on, until earlier this week (well, last week — it’s Sunday still, right?). I still haven’t cut out the pieces for the mockup muslin garment (or toile), though that wasn’t what I had planned to do, today.

What I had initially planned to do was to go out for one or two Fat Quarters in orange and yellow, though I found later (yesterday, actually) that we already had enough here for me to work with. Apparently, my and M’s tastes in color are complementary, with her range toward red/orange/yellow, and mine toward green/blue/violet/pink (pink is desaturated magenta, not red…I probably shouldn’t get into the color theory now).

When I found out I didn’t have to go out, though — and I accidentally slept with the blinds closed — I didn’t wake up until after noon. It didn’t help that it was dark outside from all the clouds. I think I got up, ate breakfast, did something at the computer (I remember turning the lights on instead of opening the blinds — this being apparently more effective), and went back to bed because it was warmer there. I didn’t wake up after that, until D woke me for dinner.

Last night, though…like I said, I had been reading over last semester’s posts, and realized that I had purchased a number of paints that I had never even tried to use. That, in turn, reminded me of my Final Project in Web Design, which I had initially wanted to take much farther than I did, or could, just as a Final Project. I think I still have the papers around here where I was brainstorming a more complete version of it.

The thing about this, though, is that I made a paint table with all the paints I had used in research for the project which I had information about (it kind of goes without saying, but I did use the color wheel I had made in 2007, which used paints which had no pigment code labeling [Scarlet Lake what?]). This included color swatches.

When I set up the final page, though, I found that my color range was skewed toward warm colors. This is the reason I tried to find the Quinacridone Magenta, earlier; though at this point, I haven’t even tried to use the Magenta, unfortunately.

There are a couple of other paints like this, though I’d have to look through my stash to see what I bought and have never used. It would be faster than looking through six months of blog postings.

I also think…that I should take that Web Design Final and just use it as a launching point for a more advanced project. I’m looking at what is there now, and it’s passable as a proof-of-concept type of thing…though in reality, if I make a website that I want to make — as versus something that fulfills various technical requirements — it will look different.

There are two main paths I’m considering: one is using WordPress.org for a baseline thing to toy around with, which should be fairly direct, as I already have been using WordPress.com. However, there is some knowledge I will need which I don’t have, yet (particularly, setting up an SFTP link between myself and the server).

The second option is to build the site from the ground up. This may be a simpler and more powerful option in the long run, and it won’t save me from the SFTP work. But I will need to study and work at it; and I guess the question is whether it’s more important to me to build and tinker with the code itself, or whether it’s more important to get my content out there.

The bright part of this is that building the site will likely give me marketable skills…until technology moves on.

Not to mention, I do have a tool which allows me to run local versions of sites, so I don’t have to wait to set myself up with server-space rental in order to start playing around with visualizing and coding this. More importantly, though: if I want to make a site, it would make sense to start in hard copy, with paper prototypes (ha ha paper prototypes), and really figure out what content I want to post, and why.

I also gotta be honest with myself and realize that the next year is likely going to be taken up with piecing together my portfolio for graduation. I don’t think that’s going to be fun. I meant to get started with it earlier in Winter Break, but it didn’t happen. I just somehow started thinking about how to enjoy my time on the planet (while I still have it) instead of working on graduation. 😡

Anyhow. I need to be working on driving, too, but somehow this is not seen as prime driving instruction time by my family?

What I thought of doing today — while I was awake, that is — was to make a chart by which I could actually tell if the pigments I’ve been told are fugitive, actually are (particularly, Aureolin). I could also work on seeing what colors I actually have, by swatching out what I’ve never even tested.

And I could do some more reading in that comics-making book I asked M and D for, for Xmas. I have enough materials to make a comic. I think I just have to be brave enough to express myself in a scenario and plot…

…unfortunately, what’s currently on my mind is the possibility of unrecognized forms of life communicating with people telepathically. I didn’t really want to get into tin-hat territory, but I can see how one could, now…