Quilting??! (“Why would one need release,” you say?)

I’m experiencing a lot of levels of frustration with my work environment, right now, and the dysfunction is sapping my determination at studying.

On the bright side, I went to the quilt shop, today. I also have a bunch of quilting books to read, if I can pull myself away from what I have to do long enough to devote myself to something that doesn’t have to be done, right now.

Of course, this writing doesn’t have to be done, either: but I have just been so frustrated that I’m like, “screw all of this.” I need to remember, though, that all workplaces are going to be somewhat dysfunctional. My own workplace is likely particularly so at this point, however.

So…I was just reminded to take my medication. 🙂 I also think it’s best that I put the study away for today, even though I have a lot of review ahead of me. This is due to not having stashed my assignments into ePortfolio pools at the time of their creation.

What I need to remember is that if I don’t commit myself to anything but my work, school, and upkeep, I have a good amount of time that I can devote to studying, on a daily basis. I don’t have children or a full-time job, and I live with family. I do have a disability to contend with, but that’s more of a mental struggle, than anything.

Probably the biggest thing I need to deal with is making sure I don’t go off on anyone from built-up stress, meaning that I’ll need to watch my anger level and give myself breaks when I need them.

Right now I’m being distracted by a show on orchids…it’s easy to get lost in stuff like this and lose track of time. Is that a good thing?

Anyhow…recently, I’ve purchased about…3 yards of fabric, and a large ruler to use in rotary cutting. I’ve just been hesitant to start into cutting and sewing. I have to give myself permission to do that, first. It also requires design, which I can shortcut into by reading and following some of the quilting books I have at the moment.

Right now, I’m considering doing a small model of what I would make, using the cheap fabrics from the big-box fabric store; and use the nice fabric for the final version. Or part of it, anyway.

I do have a bunch of fabric. Maybe tomorrow, I can photograph and upload some images. It will give me something to look forward to.

I’ve also decided that I’ll use the sewing machine, which should make things vastly simpler. There’s no real reason to stitch by hand, except personal preference; and I could make something much faster (and much larger and more complicated) by using a machine.

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Stress and triggers. Recurrence of a familiar stance…

A few things have happened, recently. One: I’ve realized that I don’t really want to be female, though that doesn’t mean I want to transition to male. Not everyone around me seems to remember that “female,” does not always equate to, “woman.”

Another: Because of the stress of this final semester…I’m questioning whether I’m dealing with a bit of psychic fragmentation. I don’t think I would call it Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), but then I don’t really know what the medical opinion on this, is. I’ve just slipped back into a state that I recognize, which I haven’t dealt with for months (if not years).

I do know, however, that I definitely have used dissociation as a coping mechanism, in the past. Although it would be interesting if my way of being gender nonbinary was actually that I was plural (that I, “really,” had multiple identities, or deep facets that somehow include the same sets of identity and personality all the time)…I haven’t heard anything to that effect, and at this point it sounds too dramatic to be true.

On the other hand, I definitely have different subroutines in my mind, and I’ve read that being entirely, “integrated,” into one person, is an illusion, in all people.

It’s just…it’s weird that this mental constellation would come up again. Right now I’m dealing with a stronger-than-normal sense of being not-woman, along with what I can only call a darker viewpoint. I’ve also dealt more strongly with ideas about, “demons,” and the darker side of the paranormal, in this state — along with feelings of persecution when the darkness gets to the surface and others recognize it and try to condition me against it.

To be clear: when I’m like this, I’m not about being, “right.” I end up dealing with feelings of amorality, in favor of pragmatism and emotional validation, though I won’t generally open up about what I’m feeling. I know what is said to be the, “right thing to do,” or say, but…sometimes it’s hard to do it and keep what I’m actually feeling, hidden.

Though I won’t get into what it was that happened last night (I got triggered, particularly around issues of reproduction and, “motherhood,” which for me are obviously linked to ideas about gender and sexuality — which are obviously…slow torture for me), the pattern and the feelings are familiar. As is the social dynamic.

If it’s anything like it has been in the past…it may wear off by next Tuesday or Wednesday, at the latest. If it doesn’t shift, it would be weird. But…when this does happen, it leaves me without a non-occlusive vocabulary with which to communicate my state. That is, I do have a vocabulary with which I’ve explained this to myself: but others don’t understand it. To them, it suggests ideas that I was (thankfully) never exposed to, but which cause them to feel moral revulsion towards me.

I can see why this has come up, though, if I need to function and I am somehow not up to the task: I can switch into a mode which allows me to get things done by, “letting someone else deal with it;” that is, changing into a different person who can cope. And yeah, that does sound like DID, but DID is a serious condition, and I don’t feel that ill.

Of course, those around me may beg to differ…

De-stashing and refocusing. Organizing colors and establishing priorities.

I successfully got rid of a bunch of art stuff at work, yesterday. The biggest thing was a set of Neocolor II water-soluble crayons, but I’m hoping others will get more pleasure out of them, than I did.

I had consistent issues with disliking the texture that came out of using them dry, not to mention that they dissolved with water into something I can only call a “creamy” texture, which I also disliked. Not to mention that the tint with what remained of the dry texture didn’t appeal to me…nor did scrubbing the marks to liquefy the whole thing. I get much more vibrant and clear color out of watercolors (even midprice ones, like the Reeves tube set we still have).

The upshot of the Neocolors is that they’re relatively opaque, with more covering power than I’ve seen in pretty much anything comparable, except for soft or hard pastel, or the General’s White Charcoal. The problem with all of the latter is that they sit on top of the paper and need a fixative, as they don’t adhere well in themselves. Neocolors have some kind of oil or wax binder, so they stick.

It was recommended that I keep the Neocolor Is, which are basically artist-grade waterproof crayons (the IIs are the water-soluble ones). The biggest pain I have with the Neocolor Is is that the color range I’ve got, isn’t awesome (yellow to red).

I have also realized that I can start a little mini-watercolor kit with what I already have. I know that two colors to include are Phthalo Green and Permanent Rose, but those are my first two anchors. I might pick a lemon yellow (Hansa Yellow) to go along with them…but it will take some experimentation, and to what end, other than making a cute travel kit, I’m not sure.

With a clear and limited kit, though, I might be inspired to go outside and paint. All I have to do is dump out the little cubes of paint from my Cotman set, and fill the half-pans.

I’ve recently been more into the colors themselves, than into ostensible subjects of the paintings…though plants and flowers are things I like. I would say that the subject comes secondary to color, though, or that color is the subject. Thing is, I’m not entirely sure how to express that…though what I associate with those colors, or where around me I’ve seen them, could be a starting point.

To include a Pyrrol Orange in the kit would be nice…which makes four. Daniel Smith’s Pyrrol Scarlet should be good for a warm-leaning red…or I could use Winsor & Newton’s Winsor Red, for a cooler red that’s still warmer than Permanent Rose (and different enough from Pyrrol Orange to be useful).

So that makes:

  1. Winsor Red
  2. Permanent Rose
  3. Pyrrol Orange
  4. Arylide Yellow (PY3)
  5. Phthalo Green

Hmm. That leaves seven slots.

  1. Sap Green?
  2. Phthalo Blue
  3. Ultramarine Blue?
  4. Raw Umber?
  5. Permanent Magenta
  6. Green Gold
  7. Prussian Blue?
  8. Permanent Yellow Deep?

??? My problem is that I don’t yet know how many of these intermix, well. And now I’m feeling like I have to look back at the lightfastness chart. (What looks like what? What harmonizes, with what?)

I finally got around to putting the lightfastness test sheets back in the window. I just gave up on the drive to photograph them. It’s been three months, almost to the day, since I looked at them for the first round. I still haven’t taken any pictures, though I did separate out any that had noticeable fading. Prussian Blue is one of the colors which did fade slightly over 4 months in full sun — it’s just so beautiful when new, that it’s hard to think of realistically putting it to the side. (I might want to see if I can mix the same shade, out of more lightfast pigments.)

Then there are those relatively odd and specialized colors, like Cerulean Blue Chromium or Cobalt Turquoise Light, and earth pigments like Raw Umber and Burnt Sienna. Now that I think of it, Raw Umber + Ultramarine is probably essential as a neutral tint. Magenta + Phthalo Blue will also give me something close to Indanthrone Blue (as I learned at handprint.com).

  • Raw Umber + Ultramarine
  • Permanent Rose + Phthalo Green
  • Magenta + Phthalo Blue

That makes six.

  • Lemon Yellow + Pyrrol Orange

Eight. Four to go.


So today…this day has only barely started, for me. Everything preceding this was begun last night. Then I took medication and got knocked out at about 11 PM…and didn’t get back up until 2 PM today. (The place at which I stopped, marked the time at which my mind stopped being coherent, though I’ve since added content. I’m still not sure if my functioning is entirely back, and I’m saying this at what is now verging on 7 PM. Both today and yesterday, words weren’t my strong suit. It’s likely because I’ve been staying up too late, and it’s getting chronic.)

After work, yesterday, was largely taken up with cleaning off the craft table. I’m slowly getting all of my beads together — I have more than I thought I did, particularly in sizes 8° and 6° — meaning that I can do a lot with beaded micromacramĂ©, as these sizes are large enough to take passes of heavy cord with which I can make decorative knots.

The day before that, I was logging work for my Summer class, so that should be done.

I had also been beginning work on my Portfolio…I think it will be easiest to begin with Competencies for which I only have one or two classes. They’re easy to start from. I’ve begun re-saving things from six years ago into current format, hoping that not too much has been corrupted.

Can’t say it’s not stressful, though.

In any case, I should be working on this when I have the urge and energy, to. For a couple of days, it’s been like this: where “self-care” does constitute doing work, as versus playing or de-stressing. Sometimes de-stressing includes doing work to abate my stress, rather than doing anything but work.

Given that, I’m feeling pretty good.

I’m also thinking, based on what I’ve written above, that getting to bed at a reasonable hour should be a priority for me. If that happens, I’ll probably be up to working on my Portfolio for at least a few hours, a few days out of the week. Exercise is another one of those things I should do.

Beading is obviously something I’m getting back to, and I want to use the watercolors, as well. Aside from paperwork and some other housekeeping stuff, I should be okay like this until the semester starts. Extra hours at work, I can think about after everything else is okay.

Feeling unproductive.

Today, I wasn’t able to get done what I wanted, to. The most obvious and most mechanical point of action I have is to create a set of hyperlinks to my different classes for each of my required Learning Competencies…so that when working on any one, I won’t have to search around through all my archives, trying to find something which fits.

Luckily, I already have my competencies-to-courses, mapped out. I just need to create a shorthand to each folder in my file system.

I did move outside of what I had thought I would do, to get a notebook and …ponder starting to write out my Statement of Professional Philosophy. I had a better idea of what I would write, last night at 2 AM. I’m hoping that writing here will make working up to this, a bit easier. I need to write, something.

While I wouldn’t say the day was totally wasted, I did end up not going in for extra hours at work. Also, biological imperatives stated that I sleep for a while…and I still need to shower.

People around me say that I’m doing really well, though for me it’s hard to see, when I have days like this.

I guess I just have to remember that not everything has to be done NOW NOW NOW. But if I get a Library Assistant position and I’m doing that as well as my capstone class and Collection Development…I might be better off as regards future jobs, but it might really be tough for the next semester.

Which is why I’m trying to mitigate it, now.

I wasn’t expecting for the call to go out for new Library Assistants, though I see that last time it happened, it was around the middle of July, last year.

There’s some more going on now — actually, a lot more — that I think is stressing me, a bit. We’re considering moving out-of-state, in addition to everything else…which is tough for me when my proficiency at working with the community is contingent on knowing the community.

There’s also some family business to attend to, which I think is coming up because we might not be in this location for much longer. Not to mention that I have questions about my great-grandmother which may go unanswered, unless I actually get up the nerve to ask.

Things are just feeling a bit unstable for me, at the moment. Especially knowing that I may not be able to get a library job in the place we may move, to; at least, not a gainful one, and at least, at first.

I guess a lot is heading up to change in my life, really quickly. And I’m not in control of most of it.

That could…possibly be a reason for a little bit of distress.

The upshot of this is that I’d be moving to an area with a larger Asian population, which will make it immensely easier to learn Japanese, and not lose it. There also might be a lower cost-of-living, considering that prices have inflated so much here that it’s ridiculous. I’m looking at an average $10,000/year pay cut by moving, though…but unless the housing market changes, we may not be coming back.

I suppose that with so much of my life being based around the internet…maybe that would be something that would hold stable. But my friends and work, being part of this community; I think I’d miss it, at least at first.

It’s just, what a time to uproot, right?

I’ve had some internal conflict about my reasoning around learning Japanese. Hmm. But it would go better in a different post.

Getting a little harried with anticipation.

Today marks another day in which I haven’t worked on my portfolio, or read anything (offline) for pleasure. I did successfully write a bit of code, which was great when it worked out, and when I could understand why — though this took a bit of retracing my steps.

The big thing right now is learning to define functions from within other functions (I just built my first custom function, today). As I’ve been introduced to nesting code via XML, I’m thinking it shouldn’t be too hard. Still, though, I’m writing here instead of doing that.

I needed a break. Especially as the next couple of assignments are meant to show me whether I want to be a Web Programmer.

I don’t particularly want to go back to working on my Master’s for at least another couple of hours, though. I got up late again, today, so I’ve been dealing with life for four hours, max., right now. It feels like most of that was spent on homework. Certainly, most of the use of brainpower was spent on that.

In lieu of homework, I’ve gotten the idea to paint…but it’s getting harder to get ideas of what to do, away from the computer. This is another reason why I was sewing, yesterday: it does not have to do with logic.

Though as regards linear, step-by-step thought: I could postulate that it does. Which gives me an idea for one of the Discussion assignments I skipped over. I’ve sensed that working on the computer is about linear inputs, even when CSS formats these posts to insert an image or video…a reason why journalling offline, in an unlined journal I can draw in, is a good idea.

I guess it’s easy to get tired of this stuff. Like: homework that requires analytical thinking, reading for information, my job, my portfolio. Right now my life ideally would be circling around my future employment, with school as a component of that, but I don’t want to be working on that all of my waking hours. It would feel different if there weren’t additional work stress, but there is.

Also, I had to trash my first portfolio version because it didn’t adhere to school standards, and now I have to rebuild it. Ideally, I would have been building it over all the time I was in classes, but I did not have the foresight to do that. So I have probably about a month and a half to get a jump start on my capstone class so that I’m not overwhelmed and rushing to get everything in by the end of the year (as well as complete my other two classes).

I really don’t know how they expect everyone to keep records of everything for two to three years. But anyhow.

Maybe I’ll go and try and draw. The worst that can happen is that it doesn’t meet my expectations. Maybe I should lower my expectations…

Not much has been happening, but I’m still stressed.

Well, I suppose I did sleep well, today. I also got in some exercise, and study. I’m not certain I can ask for more than that, especially when exercise has been pushed to the side so far, because I’ve been so busy.

Just now, I went and reviewed the assignment prompt for the rough draft of what I’m working on now, which is the finished version of an Instructional Design proposal. Thankfully, I can edit it down from what appears to be an academic paper into what appears to be an actual proposal. I’ve already cut down or cut out several sections.

The trouble is that, due to a glitch in the system, I only got one review on my work…and the Final is supposed to take into account the six or so reviews I was supposed to have in return.

So I’m just winging it. The Prof knows I only had one review, so I’m not sure what’s up.

Luckily, my increased hours at work don’t start for another week. So I have time to work on this.

I did think of photographing my work area, but realistically, I’m not sure if any of those images will or should make it online: it would just seem a bit…much. And a bit personal. It also seems like it could be a bit upsetting to people who don’t have access to the resources I do.

I’m also not totally happy about blocking off the clear fronts of my organizer drawers with labels. The organizers (Sterilite mini-drawer sets) were relatively cheap, it’s just that I feel like all the “stuff” I have in them is excessive (helped in no small part by taking years out of my Master’s program to finish an Art program).

However, the ArtBins and various other storage I’ve got underneath the craft table, definitely need labeling. I can’t tell what’s in most of those things, otherwise. There is one bin for “dusty” materials (charcoals, pastels, ContĂ© crayons, White Charcoal), one for inks and (dip) pens, and a third for block printing (with little uncut linoleum blocks piled on top).

I’m still not sure about what to do with all the colored pencils. I’ve got some that actually came in trays (in sets, that is), in flat storage; but by far the biggest collection is of normal colored pencils, and they’re in rolls in a drawer. (A very large proportion of these were bought open-stock, and there are too many to fit into flat cases. But like I said a while ago, I have near-duplicates.)

I know I’ve got to do something about organizing these, but I don’t know what, at the moment. I’ve got three different brands: Faber-Castell Polychromos, Prismacolor, and Blick Studio. The Faber-Castells have good color harmony with other Faber-Castells; but the second two brands don’t necessarily harmonize with others within their own brand.

On top of that, the swatch tests I did years ago, look like either they have faded, or like I had a very delicate hand, back then.

I tried using a wallet to hold all of them, but there’s a problem with the elastic bands holding them so tightly that it’s easy to crush a lead, just trying to get the pencil out of the case. (I think it was this case, in the 120-pencil size.) Because of this, keeping them in that wallet actually discourages use.

Right now they’re in Niji roll-up cases, which isn’t the most efficient mode of storage, but at least they’re not loose in a giant clamshell pencil case, anymore.

There are also now some specialty pencils (including aquarelles) under the craft table.

I also really, seriously, need to clean up my office right now. There’s material from this semester and before, strewn everywhere. It’s a bit upsetting, not least because now I’ve got to figure out what is worth keeping and what isn’t.

Not to mention that I need to dust and vacuum my bedroom and change my sheets and wash a couple of blankets and let some fresh air in there.

I think I’ll schedule that for after Finals. And maybe I should be trying to get this stuff done as soon as possible, instead of waiting for the deadline to creep up on me.

After this Instructional Design task is over, all I’ll have to do is my Database Final…and then I will be relatively free (until Summer Session starts, at least!).

YUS!

heyyyy. I got my paper turned in on time!

Despite my recent surprise at having mysteriously gained a couple of pounds (it was likely from two donuts, two ice cream bars, and juice over the past week — my metabolism is wrecked on Prozac)…I went and got some ice cream after work today.

It was THAT BAD, YO. I got a double scoop. it was THAT EFFING BAD. I’m like is this actually half a pint of ice cream? How the **** much ice cream is this–

I knew I was comfort-eating (in addition to dealing with crashed blood sugar), but I also knew that the ice cream would give me a break from my anxiety and allow me some time to collect myself. What I didn’t bet on was that it would keep digesting for a really long time (it’s still in there, not kidding). Because it takes so long to get into my system, the fat in the ice cream leveled off my blood sugar (unexpectedly). Now I may weigh three extra pounds tomorrow, or have stupid high blood lipid levels tonight, but I just need to exercise. Trying to manage my weight just by diet is going to make me angry.

(What’s weird is that it actually calmed me down, which I expected; but the calm continued way after I ate it. But I was working out a strategy to attack this paper, on the way home.)

Amazingly, yesterday I went 1.75 miles on the exercise bike (15 minutes), and my legs ARE NOT SORE. (I don’t know how.) Which means I can probably do a lot more than I think I can. (I should probably start stretching before going on the bike, too, as well as after; torn ACLs are not something to envy. Speaking of which, now that I look it up, an ACL isn’t in the same place as I thought…)

I don’t talk about it a lot here, but I’m vulnerable to blood sugar crashes, where I start feeling awful and thinking unclearly, if I don’t eat enough of the right things at the right times. Apparently, I didn’t eat enough in the morning, or at break, or at lunch…I did eat, I guess it just wasn’t enough.

So today I was super stressed out about having to write the paper I just turned in, anyway, because I didn’t think I’d make it in on time (and was planning to tough it out until 3 AM)…then there is my group project (which I’m behind on), and then a study guide I have to make. On top of that, I’m going to need to record an oral presentation within the next week. But the PAPER THAT WAS WORTH 25% OF MY GRADE IS NOW TURNED IN. Gah.

And I think I got a B, but anyway…it’s not a C. It would fit in with the rest of my grades, in that class.

So now I can concentrate on my group project, which isn’t terrible, especially as I volunteered to do data entry (I am not confident in my ability to implement databases, anymore). Can I take a back seat with this project? Can I actually give myself permission not to lead the intellectual work of this project?

It’s not something I’m used to.

But, let’s see…tomorrow I can get back on listening to the lectures, and work on what I’m going to present in my oral presentation (the scenario for which, I have to look up, still). If I get bored, I can start working on my Research Guide, but I think what I’ve mentioned will be enough.

And — and — I have remembered why I took the Digital Services pathway: because I wanted to get foundational skills in Web Publishing. Cataloging wouldn’t have focused on this. And it would have trapped me with skills only relevant in Library Science.

Seems like a lot of my life revolves around production and publishing, though…(informal as that may be, right now)…Art, English, blogging, Japanese, Web Design…

That is what I wanted to get out of it, even though Cataloging might be more practical (even if old).

Yeah, I’m starting to sound like a Young Adult, now…I wonder if it’s ever permissible to have an aspiration to be like the next generation…