Well, school has officially started. I also have done what I think I would need to do, in order to get a better job in my same organization. Everything has been done; I’m just waiting to see my ranking. I am not sure what I would need to do in order to handle both a Library Assistant position and 9 units of classwork, at the same time…
Let’s just say that it would be a life transition. Life can’t all be studying and Summer vacations, that is.
In light of my awareness of the relative preciousness of time which I see looming…I’ve been thinking about what “hobbies” I would cut out, if I had the need to. Right now I have a number of interests, running synchronously:
- Creative Writing
- Sequential Art
- Fine Art
- Japanese language study
…and I think I’ve pinpointed Creative Writing and Sequential Art as the tasks which require the most study, effort, time, and (dare I say it) stress, out of all of these.
As I head deeper into the Master’s program, I find it evident that it is training me to reach for study as second-nature. Over the Summer, for example: when I wasn’t chipping away at my UX class, it was easier (and a bit more productive) to study Japanese language, than it was to work at Art. I think there’s just some structure there which helps me.
At the same time as I’ve wanted to work on my own stories, as well, I’ve found that it’s very hard for me to do this, having been divorced from reading-for-pleasure for as long as I have been. I’m not kidding when I say that it’s hard for me to get into a book which — for one thing — I am aware has (usually) been totally constructed by one mind, often for the purpose of bolstering that mind’s own convictions…
…or maybe I was exposed to too many Classics, and too much of my own stuff, in tandem with a heaping dose of Psychiatry, I don’t know…
The takeaway for me from this is, though, that I’m not as interested in fiction as I once was. When I was a youth, I felt that I survived in order to write. But now, I look back on that 23-year-old and I see someone who was almost in shambles from illness, and who needed something to hold onto in order to keep going at all. And the only thing to hold on to was what I created, myself.
At that time, maybe a semi-mystical life purpose was necessary; is it now, though?
Or maybe more to the point: there is more than one way to create, and more than one way to tell a story. And maybe…it may be that I’m not ready to tell this story, yet. (Or maybe, I’m outgrowing this story.)
In any case, I do think that I retain the skill of persuasive storytelling; but I am not sure that now — as I’m in the middle of a Master’s program and in the middle of becoming independent — is the right time for me to be embroiled in learning even more about things that have no application save in religion, spirituality, and anthropology. That stuff could have saved my life when I was 23; but right now it’s an incredibly indirect way for me to better my situation.
What is a much more direct way for me to help myself is to get through these next two years of school; to get more and better job skills; and to figure out where it is I want to be going, in my life. The last reason is why I’m deciding to cut out the fiction writing, but not the art. Creative Writing has the tendency to be detrimental to my health, but Art tends to improve it. I’m not entirely sure why the latter may be, but I know the former has to do with cementing inaccurate ideas about the world which were formed in my childhood, in my own little nightmarish sandbox.
On the other hand, writing in a manner like this — on the blog — does help me. I can be more objective, here. And I really do enjoy learning Japanese language. I’m not entirely sure why, but it helps…and I want to be able to read stories and books (etc.) from outside the confines of English. I just am not positive in any respect that works in English are what I want to emulate: they’re just what I’ve been exposed to, thus far (not counting translations, though even there, editing occurs).
I also really want to be reading, though I find my drive to read more rewarded when I’m reading non-fiction — like, say, texts on Art History. It’s a given that I’ll have to read, in my grad program. But if I’m reading…I like to at least get something out of it, like new understanding, or new skills. Something. It’s likely a reason I’ve enjoyed World History, so much.
In any case, I do hope to keep up the blogging, because without it I lose track of what I’m currently doing, and what I’ve done — and what I have to do. I also want to keep up the Japanese language study. I want to read more, and I want to continue on with the Art (though I may go back to mandalas with this; I’m not even kidding). And of course, I’ve got to deal with my job, my schooling, driving and cooking (though my parents help with the latter two).
Aside from this…well, I think this is enough to hold in my mind, this semester. I’m just hoping it will not still be too much…