Trying not to spaz about assignments

OOOokay, people, I drank 1.5 pots of houjicha earlier tonight, and so I am not certain when I will sleep. 😛 By “pot,” I mean that I brewed the first set of tea leaves twice, and the second set once, when it became apparent that I had leached all the goodness out of the first batch. (I’m kind of amazed at the fact that the tea will still steep, even without boiling water…I just sprinkled the new tea into a pot of hot water, stirred it, and it worked.)

Right now I’m feeling okay and a little drowsy (I have been known to fall asleep right after drinking Jasmine green tea…and houjicha will probably have less caffeine in a standard dose, as about half of it is stems), and just took medication, so…if everything goes as normal, I should be conking out around midnight. Meaning, I should brush my teeth in an hour or so (11:15 PM), before I get too wiped out to even do that.

I did just get out of the shower — not sure how long my hair will take to dry, but I usually go to bed with it damp, in these circumstances. One wash with a conditioning shampoo, mostly at the roots, and a comb-through with a detangling comb and no conditioner, this time. I think it will be alright — it doesn’t feel dehydrated (yet).

I only got up around 1:30 PM today; I just checked my records. This is why I was after the tea; I was having a hard time (again) staying out of bed. It doesn’t help that when I’m sitting at my desk, which is a quiet (silent) and isolated place to work, my bed is right behind me. As for what I got done today…I finished the reading in my textbook which I mentioned last time, although it took me a number of hours to get through it. It’s amazing, because the reading was only about 15 pages long…I think this is the book that I had been complaining about, before. It’s just very dense and kind of difficult.

In any case, I can now view the lectures for Metadata, and complete the last Discussion Topic…which I think I may need to do before viewing the lectures. I’ve made a skeletal PowerPoint layout for my presentation on Sunday for Research Methodologies. I should probably reserve a time to do that, so I’m not forced to do it early. I can’t do it right now, though, unfortunately. I don’t know why, except they assumed we knew how to edit HTML.

Last night, I started in on my Quiz for Cataloging…that one is going to be more of a pain to get through (lots of essay questions, which are easier on me than technical questions — but still), but it’s the last thing I’ll have to do for that class. If I get 0 points on everything I’m not sure about, I’ll get a C in the course (apparently, 80% is a C in grad school). And like I said, come Monday, all I’ll have to do is the Annotated Bibliography, and I’ll have a full week to do that (though I want to get it done by Friday).

I am just hoping to do as best I can on the Cataloging Quiz, but I don’t think I can hope for better than a B (or an A-, if I stretch my imagination). The Discussion Topic is last priority, though it’s easy. The presentation won’t break me if I don’t do well; but I need to do it. The major nervousness about it is that it has to do with altering infrastructure as a means of actually being inclusive (as versus pushing “diversity” initiatives), which I wouldn’t think the people in the organization I’m abstractly referencing would welcome.

I think I am running in a cycle of overwork + burnout; like I do a lot of work one day and then don’t want to see it again for three days. I know I don’t have much farther to go, and that these due dates are hard due dates (or so I’m assuming). It’s just that I’m really tired of this semester and am wearing out, about now, and want to get on to the break like NOW. Or yesterday, preferably. I’ll try and keep going through Monday, and maybe that’s all I should focus on, right now.

That sounds good. And I’ll look at work tomorrow as a designated and sanctioned time to get my mind off of this. Another time would happen as I’m editing my family member’s funeral pamphlet. Couldn’t forget about that…

And yes, I am trying to single-space my sentences. How observant of you to notice! 😉 (I don’t know if it shows up at all, really; I’m just trying to break outdated habits which only made sense on typewriters…)

Trying not to spaz about assignments

This is definitely a depressive episode.

I’m trying to decide whether to write, or read, right now.  It’s pretty clear to me that I am in a depression, at this point:  sleeping for 14 hours and then having to decide to get up (or bribe myself into getting up by telling myself I’ll play with my beads) isn’t normal.

I’m thinking that maybe I need to change my vocabulary around when I say I feel “tired.”  There is actually being tired, when I really need sleep; and then there is being low-energy and lethargic and not seeing anything more interesting to do than stay in bed — but not necessarily needing sleep.  (Which reminds me that exercise, though painful, should help me get through this state.)  Though…I do wonder if I actually need the sleep, or not.

I know I need about 8-10 hours of sleep to be OK, but 14 is a bit much (it’s like I’m making up for that 4-6 hours of sleep I got a night in high school).  Right now, I’ve only been out of bed for about eight hours.  It seems that it would be OK to stay up because of that, but throwing off my sleep schedule will only make the depression worse.  It’s really better to go to bed early and wake up at 5:30 in the morning, like I did today…just not to go back to sleep for another eight hours.

Also, where it comes to judgment — sometimes I think I don’t need B vitamins and then I slip into a place like this and use up a megadose.  (I can tell if I use them all up because excess B-complex…well, it’s obvious…I won’t say what I’m thinking because I don’t want this post indexed with those words, but if you take B-complex megadoses both when you do and don’t need them, it’s obvious when the excess passes through.)

Which makes me think:  hmm.  B vitamins.  Maybe I need some of those…

I just found a bottle of B-12 sublingual (megadose), which should help for tonight.  Maybe I can get up around 10 AM tomorrow and get some B-complex and check out the art store.  I’ve been studying in my office, and as such, have been looking at the drawings I made in marker on the giant pad of sketch paper on my altar table.  Well, actually, I threw them aside to get a fresh (non-dusty) surface, and then started looking at them (when they were on the floor).

(Yeah, I kind of have papers thrown all over the place, right now…)

I can actually see some things going on there that I hadn’t noticed, before.  For one thing, there is the inference of a dragon or gryphon in the focal point of one of my images, which was entirely unconscious.  For another thing, I’m appreciating the bold colors and large strokes on the other image.  These were the two images I was talking about a while ago, which I decided not to put online because they were just for me, and I didn’t want to deal with the psychic interference of potential (positive or negative) judgment, in my process.

I recall…in the book, The artist’s way, which I started using some years ago and then left off of (it’s kind of like a creativity-nurturing program), there was an exercise called “The Morning Pages,” where someone writes for maybe half an hour to 45 minutes every day right after they wake up, and then move on with their day.  You’re not supposed to look back over these writings for a while, just do them and move on.  I’m wondering if that would work with visual art.  My folks say it should.

I mean, that could be something to get up for, right?  It also sounds like a good way to generate a lot of ideas for artworks — or even just “flex those creative muscles.”  (Yeah, I don’t like that phraseology…my brain is not a muscle…)

Right now, I’ve just finished listening to a fairly long lecture.  I’ll listen to the next one tomorrow, then try and crank out the graded homework I missed…I don’t think my brain can take another hour of needing to pay rapt attention.  But I’m getting to the point where I’ve realized just how much work I’ve got ahead of me.

I’ll need to submit a Discussion Board post by Thursday in Research Methodologies, meaning that I’ll want to have gotten the assigned readings and lectures out of the way before then.  In addition, I’ll need to have done enough initial research to have dug into a bit of a Literature Review.  I have a lot of sources already (I was searching “minority librarians” under a large database — after I found that this was the preferred term under the controlled vocabulary), but I’ll need to sort through them and read the most promising ones.

And the Cataloging homework is relatively steady.  I haven’t read Lecture 4 yet, so I don’t know if this will have me working online again — but the Cataloging Professor gives out written lectures, not audio ones, and I can easily map out what needs to be done soonest.  (I think there may be practice sheets for Week 4, too…gah.)

So I basically got two weeks behind on everything while I was trying to figure out Dewey and freaking out and getting anxious and depressed and trying to put together a fall-back position.  Was it worth it?  I’m not sure — I haven’t checked my grades, yet, but I don’t think this Professor is one to give a student an F because they were off (even slightly off) on two out of six questions.  Although a 60% is an F, in my system.

And yes, the B12 tablet is still under my tongue…how long is this thing supposed to take to dissolve???

Better yet, no one knew this was a sublingual tablet but me?  Did they just swallow the things without reading the bottle???

Okay, it’s gone.  I feel better now.  🙂

This is definitely a depressive episode.

Making today sound like a disaster…

Most of my waking hours today were taken up doing one of the optional readings I skipped over, last semester (recommended if we had interests in Cataloging or Metadata).  I…am continually amazed at the state of information transfer I’ve experienced in, particularly, the last five years.  The text I was reading was actually fully online (yes, the entire book) and accessible through my library.  The text which linked to it is in itself electronic.

But why did I do this?  Well, I was sitting here staring at a blank page and trying to decide what and whether to write, when I realized that I had options.  I’ve recently been trying to read more so that I have something of substance to write about, when I do write.  I…am also finding something interesting happening with the way it feels when I’m reading something with which I have to pay full attention to keep up.  (and yes, I did take notes.)

I think it is something I’ve been missing, since classes let out.  Maybe it’s one of those things where my mind has to have something to work on or else it starts to implode…

Right now I’m trying to figure out how much more work towards my career I want to do over vacation, and how much I want to invest in that work as well, given that my sickness over the holidays — well, my sickness plus the holidays — means that I am not going to get paid very much, this time around.  (I ran out of sickleave and do not get paid vacation.)  Not that this should severely impact me…but I just worry about money as it is.

I should still make a date to go back to the career development pages I know about…

Next date for the Vocational program meeting is this coming Wednesday.  I tried to reschedule, but it was a Friday afternoon when I called in, and I haven’t been recontacted yet.  Apparently it’s convenient to the person I’m seeing if I come in on Wednesday mornings, but Mondays and Wednesdays are the most problematic days for me to meet — especially in the early morning.  Not only this, but the past three meetings have been aborted because one or both of us have been sick.  So I will have to either call in late on Wednesday morning to work, or reschedule:  problem is that if I go in late on Wednesday, this is becoming a pattern.

Also a problem:  my completion of my “homework” for this program is also relatively spotty; I didn’t go out with one of my friends as I was told to; I’m on Chapter 7 of the book I was assigned to read (although that’s better than not reading it at all); I was told by my mental health team that I didn’t need a psychologist as my counselor wanted; I tried to make contact with an Art Librarian and was not contacted back.  I then realized that I probably should be aiming more for Cataloging as a more hands-on activity and less a service one, and so didn’t follow up with either of the people who didn’t write back to me (I read only to try to elicit a response twice, and didn’t want to use up my second prompt).  I have records of what I think my counselor wants, but I am relatively uncertain as to what she meant by “class registration” (this terminology is not used currently at my University, unless I overlooked something).

Yeah, I guess this is frustrating, which explains why I haven’t been paying attention to it.  Problem also?  If I get kicked out of this program, I get kicked out for life.  This is not a low-stress thing for me.  And it’s been going on since last semester, when I realized too late that I only had 90 days to make an intake appointment.  The Wednesday thing had caused my counselor not to make an appointment for me, but I didn’t realize until two weeks before the end of my 90 days that I only had 90 days.

So what else is going on?  I managed to almost entirely forget about painting, today.  I got up for breakfast, ate, took meds, went back to bed, woke up at 4:30 PM and thought it was 4:30 AM until I realized that the sun doesn’t come up that early.

Okay, yes, writing this is irritating me.  I should go and read some more…

Making today sound like a disaster…

Tired…

…and I’ve been asleep, nearly all day.  I woke up early today for a meeting, then found that my eyes and nose were burning and I was starting to sneeze.  The staff probably didn’t like this, but I stayed home from work, sick:  I’d rather nip it in the bud when I first start to get sick, and be better in a few days, then run myself into the ground and have a few miserable days when I am severely ill, unable to function, and subject to secondary infection.

Between school, work, and driving lessons, I’m pretty sure that something had to give (a couple of days ago, I had my first driving lesson with a new instructor.  I’m not sure if the stress of that, lowered my immunity).

Mysteriously, I’m still tired…the only two options as to why, are that I actually am fighting something off (that’s bigger than I suspect), or that I’m dealing with something psychological, in addition.

There’s not much of an option, though:  I have some work due soon that I haven’t started on because it’s annoying.  It also has an ungodly amount of points attached to it.  I will have to work on this, tomorrow, so unless I call in sick with my Prof, I won’t be able to sleep all day, again.

I’m writing here because I need to write something so that I’m not going into my paper feeling like I haven’t written in so long that I can’t think in words.

I also only have three weeks of school left — one of my group members reminded us all of this, today.  At least things are in line.  And if I get a C- in the Intellectual Freedom Seminar (I doubt I will, but the Prof is tough and I’m not into this class and we have two make-or-break papers due in the next three weeks, one of which I have 24 hours to write), it will tie with a certain math class for being the lowest grade I’ve ever gotten.

But life goes on after C-, and I’ll never have to take this class again.

Gah.  I can’t help but feel that I’m being told it’s OK to disagree, but then there is also an expected “correct” answer which may cause me to be thought of as inferior if I deviate from it (to clarify the reason I’m not liking this class)…

I think that by tonight, however, I have clarified the position I’ll take in my paper.  I don’t like the position I’ll have to take in my paper — it goes against my ethics — but it’s the one that makes most practical sense.

I can start work on it, now.

Tired…

Feeling as though I am caught up…

I waited last night to write this until a time when my shoulders would be less stiff.  Over the past two days, I’ve had two eight-page papers due.  It’s not too bad, though, really.  The hardest thing is the research which has to be done so that I have something to write about.  Well, that, and keeping records on it (notes), and getting used to APA citations, again.

Today has been a bit difficult if only for the fact that I had nothing scheduled to do today, did not set my alarm, went to bed late, and slept until I started having dreams about being unable to wake up (about 12 hours).

Yesterday was fortunate because I awoke for the first time in months, able and (nearly) ready to jump out of bed in the morning.  The difference between that day and nearly every other day?  Sunlight could get into my room.

Today I opened the blinds when I went to bed, but I’m not sure if I opened them enough, as I was more fatigued today upon waking than I was, yesterday morning.  Or maybe it’s just cumulative fatigue.

In any case…pretty much, nothing’s been done, today.  The two major class projects I’ve had in recent weeks are now behind me.  I do have some minor homework due today, but in effect it is only a small amount of credit.  (Not to say that it doesn’t matter, because it does; but unlike the last paper I did, it isn’t worth 15% of my grade.)

If I’m unsure of what I want to do…there are a few things I can do.  Making pickles, or cleaning the rooms I normally use (bedroom, bathroom, office), pop to mind first.  Well, this, and catching up on my readings.

And, right–!  I meant to mention that I need to make more time each day, to write.  When I don’t write, it makes it harder to get my thoughts out when I have a 6-8 page paper due (or more than one).  It’s a short paper (one of my emails can be this long); but it feels significant when I haven’t been writing at all for a week or more.  To keep the flow of words going, though, it would help to at least try to write, at least every other day — if not every day.

I think I’ll get to work.  I should deal with my homework first, then deal with the pickles, then vacuum the bedroom and change my sheets.  That should open me up to being able to deal with all the other stuff I have to shower after doing.

Hmm.  I have another day of work, tomorrow.  Not too much, but still…

Feeling as though I am caught up…