For future reference, this text was begun during an after-funeral gathering. Although it is difficult to see other people in pain…I am surprised at the overall experience of the services and after-parties. I am also wondering if there is such a thing as “evil.”
Having been labeled evil by people I would myself consider evil (though of course, they referred to themselves as “good”: typical but not required), I have resisted identifying others as evil, myself. This is largely because I can see the mindless destruction the label can cause.
The term itself may relate to nothing more than “aversion,” which is entirely subjective, its targets changing from person to person. And in the case of my own psychic alignments, it’s clear that there are things others would call “evil” about me which would in no case result in harm to anyone (the gender[s] of the person[s] I love in relation to my own gender, being one of them). They may result in change to a more egalitarian and free society, but that does not equate to harm.
I have been thinking about this problem…seemingly, ever since high school, or before (this being the time in which I was progressively demonized and outcast by my classmates). Today at the funeral, a speech was given by a Buddhist Reverend…which actually made sense, much more sense to me than did the Catholic Priest’s…but not everyone agrees with me. Particularly, ardent Christians seem not to (and the priest would be included in this group).
I am coming to see the term “faith” to have more than one meaning. One meaning, the one which I use most of the time in my own thoughts, refers to trusting my own intuition even when it is unexplainable by rational thought combined with the scope of my current knowledge about the world. There is another meaning, though, which I encountered today: that is to hold close to registered and approved dogma as a comfort when faced with the unexplainable and incomprehensible…even when that dogma doesn’t make sense.
I don’t see these things as the same definition, although I must admit possible bias in that my own thoughts may hold to registered and approved dogma; I just doubt it.
In any case, recent events have caused me to question the existence of evil in the world. Whether that is absolute evil or relative evil, i don’t know. Or maybe it isn’t a philosophical problem. Maybe it’s an energetic sensation which just gets confused when I try to communicate it in concepts and words.
What I know is what I feel, and there are some people in the world who read as “toxic” to me. Unmistakably, poison. And so permeated and overwhelmed by it that they are literally repulsive and offensive and exude this. Disordered energy. To be around them while taking them seriously is not safe, as they try to emotionally harm and take power from anyone who will let them, using any weapon in their arsenal — and would try to physically abuse others if they thought there would be no consequences. To give them power and consider them as beings like myself pushes me into rage and hate…and perhaps pain at how much the world has warped and twisted them out of what I assume was initially recognizability…and as such is not recommended in my current condition.
I just have a hard time seeing what remains of some peoples’ humanity. I know this must be a fault in me (either this, or a mark of my own ideals stating that all people have the “souls” of “humans” — this is not an unvarying property over different cultures and eras)…but it’s understandable not to be enlightened, and I think I must have to be closer to that goal than I am, to see through what’s happening here.
And I am not sure what the root of this is; nor am I sure whether or not there is some kind of organized metaphysical evil. This is not a new proposition — though I tend to default to referencing Ahriman as a kind of anthropomorphized Principle of Evil, more than any Christian idea. The idea of the Devil has been itself warped out of recognizability as it has been weaponized against minorities (though that may be something of a tautology).
Of course, though, I have no political references where it comes to Zoroastrianism (the religion where the principle of “evil against people” was eventually embodied in the idea of Ahriman). However, I do recognize that “evil” can be brought into the world by those who conceptualize and aspire to it. This, I would not have known without investigating multiple cults and having been witness to people who have idealized Evil and taken satisfaction and pride in doing the wrong thing at every possible juncture.
But beyond this…it seems to me that this is a symptom of being out of balance — and committed to being out of balance — on a deeper psychological and energetic level, which manifests in the physical. And, of course, creating chaos in the physical world can’t help but encourage one to continue to be off-balance. But maybe “balance” is not the best word. “Balance” implies a polar model. This type of being off-balance is more like a top spinning out of control in seven dimensions at once…even though it’s hard for me to imagine a top spinning out of control. Normally the ground would equalize this — you can only mess up so far before you can’t go any farther — but this is not part of the model in energetics.
I don’t know where I’m going with this anymore, except maybe to say that I’ve recently…been able to trust my own feelings where it comes to the “energy” of others, which is not something I know I can explain. The term “evil” comes to mind when encountering highly discordant energy (not meant as a slight against Discordians; there is a difference between being random and aiming to harm). I’ve just realized that I don’t know what makes some people tick, and that maybe I don’t want to know…and while it is tempting to call it “evil,” I don’t want to fall into the same trap the people I see as evil have fallen into, which is to consider oneself right and anything one disagrees with as worthy of destruction. That is not a balanced path, to me, and it’s not a protected one.
But I …I think I am starting to see that I will need to forge my own approach…
Is it possible, though, that not all bad things happen for good reasons — but rather, bad things happen, and good people find ways to shine despite, or in spite of, the situations they’re dealt? Is there a cosmic tension between “good,” and “evil,” and am I, despite growing up having thought to the contrary, actually on the side of good?