You know how as a kid, you run too fast and launch yourself into the ground?

I don’t know how much I’ve recently been thinking about work and finding work, and learning crafts…I did get a book, though, about sashiko embroidery. I think that for now I am going to try and stick to jewelry (including design) and sewing/embroidery, for stuff I don’t absolutely have to do.

Maybe I can screw around with Posca markers, too. I found that I could use my washi tape and the Posca markers to stick temporary labels on design illustrations (which I’d be doing in gouache, on heavy paper [likely relatively smooth watercolor paper] or Bristol board). I haven’t done it yet, but I shouldn’t forget it’s possible.

This job thing is getting to me. I need to finish what I can when I can, and maybe stop pushing myself so hard. I ramped up the hours I was working at my regular job starting earlier this week, and had to come home early today because I was just exhausted, or sick, or something.

I remembered later that my old supervisor used to advise me to, “pace myself,” when working a long day. My stamina isn’t up yet; I think I was overperforming and used up all my resources. I became lightheaded and queasy — like my blood sugar crashed, and I was too nauseous to be able to eat to relieve it. But I was the only one in my job category at work, today. I really don’t know why no one else was called in, unless I’m expected to do everything.

I did do a lot of work in the beginning part of the day, clearing out the interlibrary returns, and the outgoing interlibrary Holds; sorting four carts in between, with two hours on desk. That was in the first three hours.

I should have taken my first break before lunch, when I had the chance, instead of saving it for after lunch, when I knew I’d need it. By that time, things were too far gone for it to be useful.

Yeah, now that I write that out, it looks like I need to go easier on myself.

And…now that I write that, I see that it’s nearly 1:30 AM my time…it only makes sense to watch anime late into the night when you don’t need to keep a semblance of a sleep schedule.

Got some choice terms for the conundrum I’ve gotten myself into with assembling a color portfolio before considering the form those colors would take…but maybe in the morning I can experiment a bit.


Growing up.

I’ve gotten to the point of resisting posting. Not only am I avoiding broaching huge family issues here, but there are things other than jewelry, art, and the blog which are happening or should be happening, which have bigger realistic payoff. I’m also losing direction without the structure of University. Normally, classes would have just started.

A big part of this is my ambivalence towards spending large amounts of time at the computer. I know that I want to spend more time In Real Life, but at the same time I think I’ve begun to forget how to do it. It doesn’t help that for most of the last two and a half years, I’ve been tied to technology, for the sake of the possibility of economic mobility and healthcare.

I do have my coding and Japanese language study to get back to, though these courses are presently relatively unstructured. That is, no grades, no deadlines: I may need to make some of the latter. I also scheduled a Cataloging class (also no grades, but more structured), and have enough free time to practice driving — and cooking.

It isn’t like I’m not doing anything. I did submit a job application for Hawaii, including sending supplemental documents. Today I remembered that I had photos on this computer of Waikiki…which made me miss it a bit. Particularly, I’m aware that none of us are getting any younger, and that each moment together thereby is precious. I’m also missing my sibling, on top of knowing that things aren’t going to stay this abundant forever.

By June: I hope to have successfully completed my Cataloging class, to have made reasonable progress in my coding, to have obtained better-compensated employment, and to have some kind of clarity as to whether we’re staying in California or moving to Oahu.

A more extended goal is to figure out whether I’ll be happy in Public Library work, or whether I want to work in an Academic Library environment. As I become more comfortable in my own body and situation, I feel much more at ease in dealing with Public Service.

This is particularly as I’ve realized that I don’t have to give away personal information, that I can handle it when people overstep their bounds, and that even if I am mistaken for a woman, I don’t have to accept random misogyny and disrespect. Enmity I’ve experienced has been a consequence of attempted social control, particularly attempted control over everyone who isn’t a cisgender, heterosexual man. But at this point I’m an adult, and have been one for a while. I’m not anywhere near as vulnerable as I once was.

It is interesting, however, to have been in Oahu and to feel…not weird, for once in my life. At this point I feel I’m reclaiming the part of myself which is Black at the same time as I’m reconnecting with my Japanese ancestry. I’m not sure, but maybe since I visited, I’ve felt more like an entire person, and like it’s okay to be an entire person. That it’s okay to be different, because everyone is different, and we just need to meet each other where we are.

I also feel like I’m becoming far more capable of being independent; like I’m progressing on that path, and like I am able to preview a bit of what life could be like.

Maybe one day I’ll even be comfortable enough to share pictures of myself online, instead of being as anonymous as I am…

Gathering myself.

There’s a lot I want to talk about, especially in relation to Hawaii. The big thing right now is, though, that not only am I dealing with jet lag (causing me to be sleepy, and the bed to be incredibly comforting during random stretches of the day), but my stomach hasn’t been agreeing with me since I tried to go back to work on Tuesday, which I had to bail on at the last minute because of nausea. Yesterday was okay, but today–? Today, I couldn’t even go out.

Of course, while I was in Hawaii, it wasn’t great either, but aside from one bout of food poisoning, I was mostly okay. Right now, it’s hard to eat or drink anything without feeling sick, and I woke up at maybe 5:30 AM today with the worst nausea I’ve had in a while. I’m hoping right now that I don’t get vomiting and diarrhea. I did just try to drink some apple juice, and felt little bubbles moving all around in there. I already know my guts are mostly empty.

If it’s “Traveler’s Diarrhea,” which I’ve read can strike right after one returns from a trip (which this did), it will probably be over in three days. Meaning it’s questionable if I’ll be able to work on the weekend, or if I’ll lose even more pay.

And yeah, I did just get out of bed maybe half an hour ago, and am sleepy again. This is annoying.

I did keep a log of offline personal journal posts which I made while in Hawaii, but there are only seven entries for the 14 days. Mostly, this is because I caught some kind of cold (likely from work) before we even got there, and so was too sick to do much, for the first six days. (Because I had used a special discount to book the room, we couldn’t back out of the reservation without a sizable penalty.)

By New Year’s Day, I was all right, mostly. I think that I was non-contagious by that time, so we visited family to meet and share osechi (New Year’s delicacies).

The trip ended on the 11th — or, at least, that’s when our flight got in; I didn’t get any sleep until after 2 AM, on what was technically January 12. In the house that was 55° F.

It’s kind of a shock to go from 78° F, balmy and sunny; to 52° F, cold and rainy.

But I did get to see the people at work again. I guess that’s something. 😛

Speaking of which, I should follow up on the leads I got from visiting one of the libraries at UH Manoa. IF, that is, I can find the paper…!

Ah — just found it. I apparently wasn’t using a pen with high-enough contrast, so it didn’t register that there was writing on it. I’ve now bookmarked the sites on the browser I normally use to come to this blog, so I shouldn’t have to worry about losing the paper, anymore.

I need to remember that I don’t have to have a Library job as my first job out of Library School — especially if I’m relocating. I need to look at all of my skills…and maybe see which ones I want to develop further.

That ties in with the Bullet Journal thing that I’ve been wanting to start. I’ve been writing down activities that I want or need to participate in, which will help me not waste the time between now and the time I find a job which fills more of my hours.

I know that I want to get back to studying Japanese language; I can do that via my books, and my Library’s access to Rosetta Stone. I believe I also set aside a special notebook for this.

I also want to get back to reviewing/learning HTML5, CSS3; and get back on learning JavaScript (at least!). I have a place where I can do this, online; and it’s free, until I’m significantly advanced.

I also should, at some time, retake Cataloging and Classification.

On a more basic level, I need to work on my driving skills (which I may need, in order to establish residency in Hawaii). I also want to get back to reading what I didn’t have time to read in Library School (both for classes, and not). I also need to be walking off some of my calories.

I’ve written further on what I wished to do immediately upon exiting the Master’s program in some of my backposts (notably, there was an entry with a bulleted list). This is enough to keep in mind, for now.


So…last night I got an alert that there is another local Librarian I position opening up, this time in a Public Library sector. I have until two weeks into January to submit an application, whereas the Academic Library application is due the first week of January.

Is it a good thing that I didn’t narrow my focus between Public and Academic Libraries early? I guess I’ll find out.

I still have to confirm my references and find out who to address my Cover Letter to for the position I’m working on now, but other than that, I think I’m good.

Today…well, we didn’t do too much celebrating, though I think we’re all happy that the Sun is on its way back. To my surprise, I actually did get a few gifts, the cutest of which is a…really big Rilakkuma plushie. With a zipper in his back, and everything. 🙂

(Google it!)

Last night I realized what a nerd I was. (Wait, is it, “nerd,” or, “geek?” “Dork?”) This has been confirmed tonight by the fact that I fixed a computer issue on my own…and it was easy (!).

Then there’s the fact that I work in a Library. And the fact that I’m trying to learn Japanese (for heritage reasons, tho’!), and that I used to be into video games and anime/manga. And am trying to learn coding and Web Programming. And that it’s easier for me to communicate with other people through text as versus speech. Not to mention the arts/crafts/graphic design/literary arts angle, and the fact that I actually aspire to making a webcomic. And have assembled enough resources to make that possible.

I could go on; I just probably shouldn’t. 🙂

I’m not totally sure that the arts angle is nerdmaking, but the fact that in the past, at least, I would be associated with, “books,” is likely notable, and distinguishes me from some…other people, I know. Who live in an entirely different world, one which I have no interest in being a part of. To those people, “nerd,” “geek,” and, “dork,” would be words of condemnation, which means I take it as a mark of pride.

(Of course, now our books are interactive…and, I’m thinking, more of that is coming, as electronic media become more ingrained into society. Does this mean I should be learning video and animation rather than comics? I really don’t know.)

I guess it would be different if I actually did go back to school for math (it would be Calculus) and learned advanced statistical analysis…I just don’t want to do that. I mean, seriously, Database Design was enough. I don’t even want to do the Big Data class, out of fear that I’m just going to get lost, again.

So the plushie is kind of funny/weird, because in Japan at least, Rilakkuma is supposed to represent a bear suit. Rilakkuma isn’t really a bear. He just puts the bear suit on on top of himself…so you don’t really know his true identity.

But arguably, he could be wearing the suit because he likes the way he’s treated when he’s wearing this adorable suit which he intentionally puts on (like being held against young women’s bosoms, which I have done much of, and which Rilakkuma’s flat head encourages). Rilakkuma roughly translates to, “relax bear,” which kind of suggests that he’s setting an example for you to relax with him.

I’ve thought about his design as an extension of a mask, or, “face.”

Yeah, I don’t know. It’s just my interpretation, and I can’t read Japanese well enough yet to get the entire backstory. But I guess that’s what you get when you have adult-themed plushies, as an adult: existential anxiety over not knowing what it is you’re cuddling. Which someone intended.

I’m not even going to get into Gudetama, though that one is kind of funny, if you can muster up the schadenfreude to laugh/worry (and then self-reflect) at the pathos of this apparently clinically depressed egg that wants to go back into its shell…

Though I believe that’s a more common sentiment than some (most?) people would want to acknowledge.

I just realized that I’ve gotta get up early, tomorrow. Rilakkuma’s waiting for me.



For some reason, I slept through most of the day. I’m not entirely sure why, though looking forward to getting a computer back into operating condition is not really my idea of a great time. (I’ve also been having issues with heart flutter, likely related to caffeine sensitization; but neither does it speak well about my level of stress.)

So…let’s see, I was offered an interview to become a Library Assistant, but I’m not too hot on the position — it’s a Substitute/Floater position, just like the one I was offered from a different county. The benefit is that it will give me experience: the drawbacks are many, but primarily the first few weeks to months will be hell, as all the creeps in the area introduce themselves to me.

I must have checked something that said I was interested in this…which I shouldn’t have, as three declines get one kicked off the list. I don’t know if that’s for a year or a lifetime, though.

And actually…I’m not really interested in that position. Kind of like I’m not really interested in the class I was offered for Spring semester…I mean, I really need a rest!

For now…well, it would be nice to take some time to calm down. I know that I’m looking for an entry-level position in an Academic Library, ideally. I want to spend the next few months reviewing HTML and CSS, then moving into JavaScript.

The class I was offered by Open University is a Tech course, but until I learn a Programming language for real, I don’t even know if I want to be in this path. I know that Database Management (DBM) was not where I wanted to be; I suspect the others of these classes may be like DBM.

I initially intended to go into Digital Services, but didn’t realize …just how technical it was going to be. And that I get intimidated by learning technical stuff, even though I’m drawn to it. (And yes, there is a gender component, here.) I’m thinking, why be in school unless you are learning something you can’t learn any other way?

As well: there is the matter of my Japanese-language study, which I’ve had to lay off of totally in order to focus on my schoolwork. I need to get back to that. And I want to take Cataloging and Classification, again. (I also want to read the various materials I’ve collected but did not have time to read!)

I mean, what if I actually am better off being a Cataloger or an Academic Librarian (or a Collection Developer?), rather than a Techie? What if I actually want to go back for an MA or MFA or PhD in something I love, and become a Subject Specialist in it? I’ve been afraid to limit my options, but if a specialized option is the best one…?

Talking to people isn’t so bad! It’s just when they push your boundaries and start dealing with you personally, that’s hard. Librarianship is a Service position, and along with that goes dealing with people you would rather not. It’s just that in an Academic Library, the service community is not necessarily, “anybody who walks in the door.”

What I had been looking at with Digital Services, though: that’s merging into an Information Sciences field. I chose this majorly because of having been ticked off in Cataloging & Classification, and not wanting to deal with the public, but still wanting to help a Library.

The major scare of this for me is the tough time I had in (Honors) Math, the distaste for math I’ve had since then, and my lack of having practiced it in any regular sense, ever since my Undergraduate work.

That, I think, is where the actual sticking point is: I’m an Arts and Humanities (and minorly, Social Sciences) person with interest in how Technology can further these; more than a Hard Sciences, Math, and Engineering, person. I do think, though, that I could handle talking in front of a group more easily than I could handle applying algorithms to Big Data.

Hmm. Maybe I should write to the person I spoke with recently, about this…

Anyhow, the following are my ideal priorities for the next six or so months:

  • review HTML
  • review CSS
  • learn JavaScript
  • review and extend Japanese Language
  • review/retake Cataloging & Classification
  • gain Entry-level position/experience in Academic Library
  • Read

I mean, that is basically, what I want; and I have time to deal with getting a job I’ll actually like, rather than one I’m forced into because of monetary concerns…

Feeling optimistic.

It’s fairly amazing, how fast things are changing. As has been stated, my Culminating Experience requirement has been turned in, so I know I’m graduating. My paper for my other class, however…has not been. The major push on this is for me to actually learn something with my term paper. I have until Saturday to get that done, which will be…a lot of work. But it all ends, this week, and it looks like it’s going to be all right.

Yesterday…I think it was yesterday, we went and visited J-town, a.k.a. Japantown, a.k.a. Nihon Machi. We had originally intended to go to a Christmas fair, but there was an accident on the freeway, and — to be honest, I wanted to go to Japantown, more. This was largely to visit a stationery store that has pens you can try out.

I didn’t realize for a long time, that the value I put on writing, reading, design, and art, might be related to my ethnic heritage. But it’s weird, in that…I think it is. (I wouldn’t have known why without looking into it, though.) I ended up buying a clear Pilot Prera fountain pen with a Calligraphy Medium nib. I AM NOT DISAPPOINTED AT ALL!

It’s actually really beautiful, in both form and function. I’m also glad that I took the trip over there to compare and try the pens. I wouldn’t have known that I actually really did want a stub nib, otherwise.

I also got a little Rilakkuma and a Korilakkuma plushie. So, two. They are…entirely too cute. I still haven’t cut the tags off of them, though! I haven’t decided whether to put them away so they retain their value, or play with them like the stuffed toys they are.

For some reason I never got into human-looking dolls, but plushies are different (like that whole Beanie Baby thing I got into, in high school). One of my parents used to animate them for me (given the chance, I think they still would). 🙂

So…I really don’t need Christmas presents, at this point! Actually, I am not sure what, if anything, is happening for Christmas, although it will probably be drama-ridden.

I also have the subject of my final paper selected…which was helped by going to the bookstore across from the stationery store. One book is called Bad Water…I’m thinking it will be interesting reading, when I have time. I’m pretty sure it’s about environmental crises in the 19th and 20th centuries, in Japan; which ties in with my awareness of the itai-itai (an illness from toxic mine drainage) stuff. I think they may be talking about the same things.

I know I have to get through this next week: but that’s more for me, than for anyone else. Then I have to get on finding a new job…and I can rev up to more hours at work, to try and acclimate myself to working more. I can also do some reading to help me out for when I do become a Library Assistant or Librarian (I have two slim volumes I had to take off my desk because I had books everywhere); and I can get back to studying my coding and Japanese language! And I can write stuff that doesn’t have to be written! Awesome!

I’m also intending to read a lot more that I haven’t gotten the chance to, while in school…

I should note that as I was cleaning up the books that were littered everywhere, I realized that having paper volumes let me know what resources I had at my disposal, while digital volumes go unseen. It’s a reason to buy things in hard copy (two of these books I need to buy next year, when their new editions come out), though then there is also the fact that they are not backed up to the cloud.

However, I don’t have to have an e-reader or a computer to read them, so I never have to worry about my device running out of battery, dying, or otherwise failing.

…I’ve been dealing with this in Collection Development (the tension between print and digital)…can you tell? 🙂

New clothes on Black Friday

Although I hadn’t really been looking forward to shopping — at least, for clothes — I’m feeling pretty good about what I came away with, this year.

For those not in the know, yesterday was a holiday that is probably specific to the U.S.: Thanksgiving. The day after Thanksgiving is, “Black Friday,” which is basically a kick-off to the holiday shopping season. It’s essentially an unofficial commercial holiday.

I’m fairly certain that many “Americans” (I’m aware of the messed-up global politics of this term, which is politicized even between groups within the U.S.) have mixed feelings about Black Friday. However, this year it was my best chance to get clothing at reduced prices. Given that I am planning to get a better job, it seems (or seemed) important to be able to, “dress the part.”

During the last month, I’ve only been going to work twice a week, in order to give myself time to complete my ePortfolio (now done). This has meant that I have not needed a great number of work outfits or clothing…but I’m about to increase my hours again, and even just that requires professional clothes.

Or maybe I should state that I’ve gotten professional clothes because I’m seeking upward mobility. (No jeans, this time; it goes against dress code for paraprofessional and professional employees.)

The next step, for me, is practicing my driving so that I’ll be able to take a job which is not necessarily accessible by public transit.

I also have about two weeks of school left before the semester is completely done with, so I need to be doing some research and other stuff which I’m reluctant to think about, at this point. But it’s only two weeks, and the rest of my grades are good, so I can deal with it. The major issue is that the Final paper is self-directed, and I’m decompressing, right now.

I think it would be different if this class were continuing education, rather than specifically affecting my academic standing in the eyes of the government and University.

It is coming time to trawl for better employment, though; and I’m not convinced that I’ll be happiest in my current system (even though I think that Upper Management might want me to believe that).

Given that…I know I’ll have to deal with my transcripts. My field is one of those where academic records actually matter, and I’ve attended three Universities and two Community Colleges. I know I don’t remember how to access all my accounts. It should be in my papers, though.

Not having listed the number of credits which I had taken, might have been a reason I haven’t been called in for an interview for the Library Assistant position I applied and tested for. That, and I didn’t take the interview with enough gravitas the first time around (last year; I was afraid to be offered a job and have to turn it down because of University commitments. Three declined offers, and I get kicked out of the system. I’m not sure if there’s any coming back from that).

Anyhow…I got some pretty clothes. 🙂 For about half as much as they’re probably actually worth. I think that I’m finding a personal style, and as such am not hating the selection in Misses’ sizes, so much as I used to.

It’s also kind of nice that my size is a popular one, so I didn’t have too many problems with finding pants. My shape is now distinctly female, though. (I don’t think I have the option of wearing Men’s pants, anymore.) I think I’ve said this before, but I don’t so much have an issue with being female, more than I have issues with being tried by other people (mostly older men) because they think my appearance means weakness is one of my inherent personal qualities.

That is, I have to deal with misogynist idiocy being thrown at me, regardless of whether or not I view myself as a woman. Sporadically, but still.

I’ve started wearing my old glasses again, too. They are distinctly feminine (rose gold), but they fit better, they have large lenses, and they’re sturdy. (The sturdiness was what caused me to select these frames over everything else.) When I get my next prescription, I’m putting the lenses into these.

It’s kind of nice that I’ve found (over the years) that clothing and accessories for female people don’t have to be cheap and throwaway. It took a while of searching, though. It’s not something that’s obvious from within the Junior’s department, or from looking at Fashion Jewelry, but quality clothing for female bodies does exist.

Aside from everything, there’s a lot I have to do. Like: take a shower; wash my hair; dust and vacuum and organize my room, my office, and my craft areas; wash my old clothes; take the tags off of, and wash my new clothes; and work on my last two weeks of Collection Development. I also need to work on driving, and hygiene. And, right: water my plants.

I don’t think there’s anything else.