…stemming from another system of dreams.
This one had to do with two friends I had, one in Kindergarten (which I’ll refer to as K); the other, in High School (HS). In the dream, both of them were “interested” in me…though HS had seen me in both male and female forms. Because of the latter, I was more interested in her…and was trying to figure out how to break this to K.
What I remember most notably is a feminine hand on my chest, rubbing it as though I were male…recognizing me as male. I think this was the HS friend. The point was not that my chest was flat or rounded — the point was that my being was recognized…and maybe there was love coming from someplace I didn’t think to expect. (I can’t even remember this person’s last name, anymore; then again, I did remember her from 18 years ago.)
This is an interruption in a long span of not being particularly attracted to anyone.
I realized that…maybe this is an effect of not having recently developed close enough relations with anyone, to the extent that they could see the whole of me. The last notable relationship I had was with someone who insisted on seeing me as “lesbian,” thus — in my mind — as a woman. Needless to say, this was not tolerable…
But in the dream, I did realize that the difference here was that of being seen as “lesbian,” as versus “trans* male who is primarily attracted to women.” This also explains why I get set off by men hitting on me, as 1) they’re invalidating my actual gender (as versus the one they assume I have), 2) I don’t feel my wishes (to end the encounters) are respected, 3) I’m not interested, and 4) I feel inhibited from seeking female partners at the same time as men assume they have implicit permission to come after me.
It’s also apparent to me at this point that my dysphoria is social and not physical. If I can keep having a rounded chest, and still be seen as masculine (as distinct from “butch,” which my experience suggests is more of a social role than a gender orientation)…that would work. And maybe then I could have a sex life (or one that was enjoyable, at least).
Then…what to do about this?
Last night, I briefly considered low-dose testosterone, mainly for the voice drop…but I don’t want to lose what I have left of my hairline. (Although male-pattern baldness should cease advancing when T administration ceases, I won’t get that hair back.) Plus, there is the problem of being on T for too long, which can erase my visibility to the queer community, if I end up being a relatively straight trans* male.
Not to mention the fur that I’m pretty sure is going to pop up if I use T for any appreciable length of time, which will inhibit my ability to dress femme and get away with it (without shaving. I dislike shaving). On the other hand…fur. 🙂
I did, on browsing my own blog, find a number of places where I had been considering my gender presentation. Fairly consistently, getting back into shape has been a goal, though it’s odd to track my weight changes. I was able to find dress shirts that fit, in the Women’s section, by the way! I wore one of them to the test I took today, but that’s another entry…in any case, it actually fits, and doesn’t restrict my movement. The only drawback is that it feels synthetic.
Right now, I’m trying to get back to the point where I don’t feel undernourished and rapacious because of the fever I’ve had, along with the corresponding denial of food. I seem to be hovering around 159-160 lbs. (down from 164-165), which gives me a lot of fuel to burn (especially in the mornings), but the last time I exercised, I became fairly short of breath after about 5 minutes. I felt like my throat was closing up, but wasn’t sure if it was asthma, or what. D says this is because I’m just getting over being sick.
And I know I’ve been slipping on the sugared beverages, now that I have wiggle room. I need to cut it out. 🙂
The other thing I noticed was a question of…piercings! I haven’t been wearing any earrings, for quite a long time, now. And I’m not sure whether to go back to body jewelry, or to work with non-ferrous metals and make my own stuff. I’m pretty sure that I did get a cup bur (a tool to round the ends of wire), and I know I have wire up to at least 18g…I can use copper, brass, or silver (though I think my thick jeweler’s brass wire has a small amount of lead in its alloy; I’m uncertain as to whether wear on my pillowcases or on the insides of my piercings will expose me to lead).
The only trouble I’m facing is seeing whether my piercings are together enough to avoid enlarging on their own, from the weight (or metal) of my jewelry. (Right now I have a set of filigree sterling earwires in, just to open the space. I have also experienced irritation at base metal wires causing the piercings to abnormally enlarge.) If they’re going to open up anyway, I might as well go back to the 14g rings I had, before, and/or just forget about wearing heavy jewelry.
At this point, though — if that happens, I’m getting fancier rings; and then possibly getting a third lobe piercing (I’m hoping that an act like this will signal the women I might like as to my group status). The major problem is that it becomes harder to get a job after the third piercing, which seems to be a legal way to discriminate against minorities who use piercings as code. Not that it’s official, but I’m fairly certain that it does mean something, because I’ve seen enough people using it.
I can try and wear my normal jewelry, and then if — by October — I still want to or need to gauge up, I can set that in motion. The major reason I’m not getting a piercing now is that cold weather may keep me from getting an infection.
I’ve also been thinking about the pronoun issue: that is, dropping “she/her” from my list of approved self-applied pronouns, and going by “they,” exclusively. This may be in addition to changing the name I go by, out in the real world…but I’m going to have to sit on the latter and see how it feels, before making any changes.