Right now, I’m wondering if I’m actually just really lesbian, in a genderqueer way. I generally don’t call myself “lesbian,” because to me that implies a “woman” gender identity…which I don’t have. I’m gender-fluid with notable forays into femme presentation, but to me “femme” could be applied to persons of any sex status (femme men exist; but I don’t consider myself a man). I have also been thinking about gender transition to trans* male, but I’ve been weighing that over about 15 years at this point. I’m not doing it unless I have to, and I don’t think that social reasons are considered valid where it comes to gender transition (as society changes). I could be wrong, though.
There are a few things going on here:
- Being irritated at men coming on to me (largely because they expect me to be a woman for them, and/or that the way I look says something about who I am).
- Experiencing strong feelings of attraction for someone I don’t know (repeated shock at their beauty every time I make eye contact: maybe I’m not asexual; just “asexual” in a heteronormative context?), and not knowing what to do with them. Also, I’m trying to deal with “what if’s” around whether I’m being perceived as predatory simply because I don’t know what to do in this situation, and I’m not perfect and I feel like I’m messing up and this is different if I’m being seen as male (or queer — I’m using this term in the U.S. reclaimed sense) as versus not.
- Not wanting to have my sex status shoved in my face, particularly where it could be used as a tool to try and subjugate me.
- Dealing with the after-effects of decades of sexual harassment.
- Trying not to take rejection as a personal failing or throw out vibes of frustration built up over long periods of isolation and unrequited crushes.
- Wondering what it would be like if it were OK for me to freely flirt with women on an equal-power basis, and about how my life might be different if they felt the same permission towards me.
- Wondering if I am socially lesbian (want an escape from heterosexual gender norms in my relationships) but not fully biologically lesbian (can still be attracted to men and masculine people so long as they don’t enforce or expect heterosexual gender norms in my relations with them). I haven’t heard anyone express this point of view before me, though it could explain multiple phenomena.
- Identifying strongly with Vegeta…which probably won’t mean anything unless you’re a Dragonball (Z/Super) fan. I’d probably have to explain it, anyway.
I’ll stop there. I don’t think I’ll be able to touch on all this, tonight.
I haven’t been to my regular gender group in a while, so this stuff has been building up over…at least two weeks. Chances are that I won’t be able to make it this next time, either. The full version of this likely won’t get a chance to come out IRL, for another little while…so I thought that writing some of it out, would help. I’m not sure at all, though, that actually publishing it will help…
I did talk to my folks about this, recently; they say that most people go through this stage (learning to deal with feelings other people don’t want to know you experience [in regard to point #2]) in high school. I didn’t have the chance to go through this stage because of the massive sexual harassment and isolation and, pretty much, hostility that I had to deal with in that situation. It just basically wasn’t safe for me to develop these skills, because it wasn’t safe to be anything other than cisgender+heterosexual.
Noting everything above…kind of explains where I’m at, right now. I’m not sure if I need to go more into depth with it right now (it took enough effort to dig all that stuff out of my memory), but I will want to come back to it, later.
There is one thing that has come up, though: and that is the possibility of trading out a gender-group night for a Ladies’ art night (I’m applying the term, “Lady,” loosely). Right now I am not sure which I might need more…
I also think there are two separate Art Nights I can go to; one at a nearby cultural venue (much closer), and one at an artist-supply store. I just am coming to feel like I need women, and I don’t know what that’s about. I’ve never felt it, before. But I guess I am getting into middle-age, and I do need to meet new friends, and rekindle old friendships…