I think I have somehow surpassed the correct time to write about this, but I’ll give it a shot, anyway. Leftovers are better than nothing.
I had intended to write this in hard copy offline and then see what I could make of the most salient parts for an online post…but I think I’ve gotten used to immediate feedback as motivation, and so it didn’t get done at all.
One diversion first: what has been going well, is schoolwork. I’ve found that it works very well for me to mark the places where I start and stop reading, along with a time marker and the date (meaning having my phone near me to mark the time, helps). I’ve also had a beneficial time with trying to stick to my assignment for at least 30 minutes, before taking a break. It parallels my exercise work, where I will try and keep pushing for incrementally more difficult goals.
It also has helped for me not to beat myself up for only having gotten a little bit done, when I’ve only been awake for 2-3 hours. It may be 4 PM and “all this” is undone, but seriously…when you got up at 2 PM, it’s unreasonable and universally disappointing to expect things to be done like you got up at 7 AM. In one scenario, you had nine hours to get things done; in the other, you had two. Seriously.
I also need to sleep with the blinds open, or else it’s very easy to sleep into the afternoon because my room is so dark.
And, back to the writing thing…which I kind of don’t want to talk about, but…again. Leftovers. I kind of don’t like to show the world the depths of …THIS, but it is authentically part of who I am. It also shows up whenever I write for a length of time in the first-person, and I’m not writing as myself.
And then there’s the fact that when I let one portion of my mind act through my body alone, I might as well be a different person with the same mainframe, or a disembodied soul (“potential” of the Infinite) exercising power over a living host. Which happens to be the paradigm under which my writing makes the most sense, which is probably why I have such a tendency to trip out when I’m writing.
I clipped this paragraph out of my last post because I found it to be particularly salient and ripe for further expression. I believe that if I were in a Writing group, others would grab on to this passage; if I were in therapy, I would hear, “say more about that” (or not, if they didn’t want to get into the crazy; depends on the therapist).
After I wrote this, I began thinking about it…it’s basically granted in my mind that we don’t really understand all that much about the phenomena of consciousness or of creativity. These are, however, two of the main problems I start puzzling over when I start thinking about the nature of (my) life…when I don’t start tripping out over physically existing.
Because of the places where I’ve learned the framework under which I might express the thoughts I have, in addition; there is something of a block here where it comes to fully elucidating my meaning. (Although I have realized after a number of years that there is no conflict between my inner experience and the group within which I partially discovered myself…quite frankly, I don’t know if they want to be found.)
What I can do is try and explain my meaning as best I can without revealing the keywords which relate to them. Those who have the experience to know what I’m talking about, will know; those who do not, will likely be able to grasp what I’m saying with more clarity than they would if I related the associated context.
My immediate thought, when I wrote the above quote, was “possession,” but I am not sure that actually cuts it. For one thing, with rare exceptions, I tend to retain self-control. The “exceptions” had to do with strong external input which pushed me into an, “uncivil,” state of mind. All had to do with one particular “spirit,” and in all cases there was either a decision made to act out of order (I normally have ground rules against this), I could feel the rage rising up in me prior to anything actually happening, or…I was operating on a base others did not expect. (I, perhaps for a reason, actually just forgot the third incident I was meaning to reference, there.)
“Operating on a different base,” is probably self-protective (say, operating as an apparently 27-year old adult male [in terms of maturity level — though I/we were probably closer to 23 at the time], while being seen and expected to behave as a helpless young “girl” — although being [constantly] mistaken for the latter will bring up its own rage). But it also brings up the idea of “triggers” and the way in which external stimuli can push one into a mental space where one would do something one normally would not. These triggers allow certain states to rise to the fore more easily; so that out of all possibilities for whom one can be at any given time, one defaults to a smaller set of personae.
This also, though, means that one has the option — or the possibility, at least — of being something superior to that.
I had thought that this part of me was in my past, but now that I’m writing about him, I can still sense him. He was a, “villain,” in one of the stories I wrote as a youth…and later came to be a more developed persona which I would take on (rather like a bit of clothing) when feeling threatened (I’ve also had dreams as him, and with him in them). This is the persona which most strongly wanted this body to be physically male, but he’s not what I would consider “permanent” (if any state could actually be permanent). The conflict I had for years over whether to transition or not was embodied in the conflict between this persona and another, more femininely-oriented, one (which even now sounds distasteful to me; could I be in his mindspace, now?).
Yeah, one of my problems is that one of my selves is a jerk…to the point that I’ve heard that it’s OK if I transition to male, so long as I’m not a jerk. Um, okay. Though the only reason he likely is as much of a jerk as he is, is that only by being an *** was he able to be recognized as, “not a ‘girl’/woman.”
My point of view is that there is a range of possibilities out there as to who a person can be: the acquisition of memories and identity in life normally whittles this “infinite” (not really infinite: human physiology limits this) set of possibilities down to a much more narrow expression of the Infinite. Focusing on a few sets of memories can then give rise to specific identities, not all of which have to be cohesive with each other. The discovery of this — the ability to contain selves which are not cohesive with each other (or, at least, not well-adapted to one’s form and assumed station in life) — in turn, has turned me back to the nature of the Infinite…though it’s difficult to say anything about the Infinite! Except that anything that is defined is necessarily lesser.
In essence, I kind of feel like I have a bit of insight into why people are the way they are — or, at least, why I am the way I am.
AND WHICH “I” AM I TALKING FROM, NOW?
Okay, this is starting to get a bit creepy for me, so I’m going to sign off, now. I should have known that I start talking about this stuff and thinking about the context, and it pulls up that guy…whom, shall I say, my parents don’t particularly like, but — it’s the way he is, right now.
Before I go, though: there is the unanswered question as to whether the “soul” I feel over me is one soul with all faces, or whether they are multiple souls…in which case, the nearest framework I can find…is a very misunderstood one. Also, there is a question as to whether my identity is Earthly/bodily, or with the souls I feel; whether the nature of consciousness is spirit paired with life, or just spirit.