So I have had some time to reflect and think things over a bit. This is a large part of why I write — even if what I am thinking at one point, at some later point comes to have little validity, at least I have a paper trail so that I can see where I’ve been.
When I’m writing about myself, I’ve found that it is best not to prematurely censor what I’m thinking or feeling…otherwise, I come out with a “sanitized” narrative, which may not actually reflect either reality or my own psyche.
After looking over my recent posts, I find it fairly evident that I’m not speaking from a woman’s perspective. I have also been in Women’s groups before and found myself alienated; have taken a Women’s Studies class and did not know why I did not relate to the (female) Professor’s version of what “women” were, etc. (I gave up on Women’s Studies after that experience in being, “othered.”)
Brief aside, as I seem to have lost focus for a moment: I did end up getting the 30-pencil set of Supracolor II watercolor pencils. I haven’t yet gotten the chance to try them out, though. And yes, I do know that I only have one more week of freedom before school starts up again…
In any case, I’ve realized that there is no one perfect way to exist as myself. And it’s very apparent that I hold a number of ideals which are given life in my own power of visualization, which — when taken literally — are not necessarily mutually compatible, in reality. For instance, it would not be possible for me to start testosterone, then go off of it and get back to the way things are now.
Testosterone causes permanent changes, and my major fear is that I will not be able to return to my current state. On top of this is the question of what to do with my chest, should I start and then stop testosterone (as I doubt I would be on it, long-term: health reasons). For me binding is effective, but uncomfortable; ranging into painful. And I don’t dislike my chest as it is; the only reason I would get surgery, barring medical necessity, is to make things more convenient for other people. And I don’t want to be berated and bullied into getting surgery that I don’t want and don’t need.
So either I go on testosterone for the voice drop and then move back to estrogens and deal with the hair redistribution (that’s a good way to put it) — and work out to retain some musculature — or I don’t go on testosterone, and I work my way up to bodybuilding as a reversible measure, and go without the voice drop, extra cartilage, and facial + body hair. In addition to this, I would be going by a chosen name and gender-neutral or masculine pronouns. I can anticipate push-back and sarcasm on the latter, however, without permanent physical changes.
What I really want is to be recognized as who I am, without having to do anything special to mark myself. (That is, I don’t want people to see me and immediately slot me as a “woman,” regardless of what I’m wearing or what my body looks like.) From what I can tell, I don’t think the sentiment is unusual. Though I do happen to be lucky in that I do think I would be more than comfortable with a built body.
I think my brain is starting to fizzle out, about now, so I’ll get some rest…