It’s taken me a while to get around to even writing this, but: I’m feeling all right, right about now. For a bit I was thrown off by a couple of dreams about gender transition, and myself as male. I am guessing…this means that my gender identity is still fluid?
I think I actually had three gender-related dreams, over the last 24 hours. I can’t remember all of it, though, save a reflection of myself with my hair down and my face dark and barely visible, with an eye partially blocked by blood. The second was an insight that the major thing blocking me from testosterone (in the dream) was the idea that if I were male, I would have cultural limitations imposed on me (like not being permitted to wear dresses [without ridicule]) which would then require other manners of expression which I did not yet know. The third thing was the insight that even if testosterone administration made me go bald, I’d still have extra facial and body hair to cancel it out…so I’d actually be growing more hair. 😉 (I was assuming that I’d eventually gain a full beard…which I shouldn’t bet on.)
And I am not sure about this, but…I found an old post relating to getting a casual linen blazer…for $60, which (at the time) I thought was too much. (On top of this, it was dry clean only, and too casual for job interviews; and I wasn’t planning on going on any dates.) It’s probably a good thing I didn’t pick it up, because it would likely not fit me, right about now. But I’ve got an idea to go out and pick up something like it, plus an actual nice tie of my own. I’ll have to have D show me again how to tie it, but it will be nice to have a (personalized!) dress shirt, jacket, and tie which I can wear with slacks.
I’ll have to remember to measure my neck and shoulders before shopping for a Mens’ dress shirt, though. I wonder if my neck has now reached at least 14″ in circumference? (This is the smallest size in Mens’ dress shirts in my country.) Or — it is possible that there will be something comparable in the Womens’ section. I just have not tried on too many Womens’ button-up dress shirts — they can be really expensive, and they tend to limit movement because of the shoulder construction; plus, they’re not made to wear with ties (meaning I can’t properly tighten the tie), and they fit closer to the body than I’m comfortable with.
Yeah, I should try for Mens’. Especially as I now wear a Mens’ M from the store I’m planning to visit, and have sized out of their Womens’. I haven’t mentioned it, but I’m hovering around 161-162 lbs. right now. (Though most of the belly weight which I have been concerned about, doesn’t look bad when I’m standing with good posture — it just looks terrible with poor posture.) I’m sure that if I exercise more than I need to in order to simply stop the weight gain, and keep drinking water instead of sweetened drinks, I should actually go down in weight.
I’m starting to wonder if some of it is hormonal — I do deal with hirsutism (the reasons for this [other than a naturally high testosterone count and apparent predisposition to high testosterone sensitivity] have never been explained to me, but other people with hirsutism whom I’ve known, have had PCOS [polycystic ovarian syndrome]…which apparently, I don’t. PCOS can cause people to become overweight [insulin resistant?], grow extra facial and body hair, and have acne, like myself).
The medications can’t be helping, though, either. One of the major factors in my gaining weight, has been an unchecked amount of sweet drinks. Eating ice cream and a conscious, sparing, mindful amount of candy will actually have less effect on me than drinking two or three sodas a week — or one Frappuccino — even though that sounds ludicrous.
I also have found older postings here related to working out for muscle mass…which sounds pretty good about now, as I do have a bench and weights, and it would be simple to add in upper body exercises to my routine. It would be nice to have a couple of set days of the week to do this, though, so it isn’t just “whenever I feel like it.” I started out working out about every other day (sometimes every day), but now it’s just like “whenever I see myself getting out of shape.”
Hopefully, I can get more motivated on gaining muscle mass, at least, even if I’m not going down in weight: my fasting glucose numbers were fairly excellent, considering the medications I’m on. So I shouldn’t have to worry too much about insulin resistance or diabetes, for now (to which weight gain from my medications can predispose one). My counselor also wanted me to get out in the fresh air. It would be nice to go walking or running, and it would help my cardiovascular development, as well as likely helping me get to sleep and feel better in the daytime.
And my hair…still hasn’t been trimmed. I found that it is long enough for me to braid most of it back, however…which I haven’t done in a really long time. I may do it more often, as it allays the fact that my ponytail insulates my upper back. It will probably keep it cleaner at work, too.
I’ve found a trick that helps me braid my own hair as well: basically, putting loose ponytail holders around two out of three bundles of hair, and sliding them down as I braid, eventually sliding one of them off and using the other to bind the end of the braid. It’s not easy to braid my own hair without seeing it–! and it doesn’t help that it doesn’t get regularly taken care of, either. Maybe I can have M actually straighten and trim it, if I’m going to wear it braided!
But anyhow…I’m doing okay. If anything, I’ve found that my gender identity kind of wobbles, and it is nice to have a fully intact body. But I super would like to get back to the version of myself with big muscles, and the physical power that goes with them, without trying to appear stereotypically male. I think that — and wearing more clothes which fit, allow movement, and are masculine (whether from the Mens’ or Womens’ sections) — would actually go a long way toward helping me feel better. Right now my hips are the biggest thing disallowing me from wearing long-hemmed Mens’ shirts easily, but I kind of like my hips. I also like the long hems.
Yeah, that’s getting into TMI, but, well, you know–!
It isn’t as bad to gain weight there as it is to gain weight, some other places…
And I really do want to get back into running, as well…I’m missing the speed and agility of my youth…