…but mindfully wasting time…
Today I reacquainted myself with what has to be done over the weekend and into the future, for my classes. I’ve decided to focus on Metadata and my Research class, as those are the two classes which actually have a graded project to turn in, before Monday.
Last night I realized something, as I recognized that I had wasted a good amount of the day in stasis. I didn’t want to work on schoolwork, but I didn’t want to do anything else, either, or to go to bed; as best I can recall, I was bouncing between pages online, somewhat halfway-there, and trying to figure out if I had anything to write about. I was aware that I had classwork to do, but I couldn’t bring myself to click on the link which would display my courses and the exact amount of work I would be expected to complete by Monday.
What I did do yesterday: I did get my books organized; I did exercise; and from my realization, I allowed myself 30 minutes of time to play around with my sketching materials. Of course, that overflowed into another 30 minutes of looking over past work, before bed. The point I reached, though, was one of realization that I would not be any worse off by permitting myself a short and protracted time to do what I actually wanted to do, given that I then did what I should be doing for another protracted time — than I would be in wasting time online.
So I do have some drawings, now, though it’s mostly working out variants of a small…apparently simple?…design. I say “apparently,” because there are elements in it which join up which I did not notice, at first, making the end design look like a modified Celtic knot (but with different areas emphasized and implied than the former). In addition, when I tried deconstructing it, I got confused. I’m still confused, quite frankly (I only spent an hour yesterday thinking about it), but if I play around with the idea more (on paper), I can probably figure out what I’m actually doing and how the design is actually working.
To get into the backstory behind my symbol obsessions — and why this symbol, in particular — would probably make me feel a bit vulnerable, although one of my past Art teachers did tell me I was in perfectly safe territory. Right now I can say that I’m in the middle of playing with spirals, and fitting spirals into shapes other than circles (though the whole “quilling” metaphor…).
I’ve been into spirals for a while…it probably has to do with integrative work, like one thing building on a preexisting foundation, and the spiral widening as each new piece is added…like shells (which I didn’t associate with the “spiral” thing, until just now). I’m trying to recall what state I was in when I started re-taking Art classes. I’m not sure what level of integration I was working with.
Ah — I mentioned that word.
Yeah, I am probably not going to get into that, now. Though there is a book that I’ve just started reading which has mentioned the possibility that creativity is a byproduct of the communication of the right and left hemispheres of the brain…and I know that portions of my mind are incredibly not integrated. Granted, that is, that I’ve read that individual ego identity as one cohesive whole is an illusion (in all people), anyway.
And then there’s the fact that when I let one portion of my mind act through my body alone, I might as well be a different person with the same mainframe, or a disembodied soul (“potential” of the Infinite) exercising power over a living host. Which happens to be the paradigm under which my writing makes the most sense, which is probably why I have such a tendency to trip out when I’m writing.
(Channeling and mediumship are things I’ve been interested in, in the past — back when I thought this was “real” and scary because of it [or maybe I should put it, “more spiritual than psychological”]. My experience feels real [even delusions, notably, seem real to the people who have them], but the ways in which it might be explained are not necessarily true. My experience, because of its existence, does not make the paradigms which validate it more true: it just means someone at some time, acknowledged that facet of human existence and incorporated it into the stories they told themselves and others, about the world.)
Maybe that’s what I was getting at. Maybe I was just trying to express all of myself (“all of the Infinite”?) in my younger years, and I couldn’t do that anywhere I knew of, except within the Writing program. (Of course, though, then I got out and wondered if I should have been an Art major, instead…or, later, a Japanese Language & Literature major…which would seem to both be selves with other desires. Which were, obviously enough, blocked away from resources when they should not have been.)
Granted I’m talking about this now, but know that this is in fact not a clinical definition of schizophrenia. Trust me: I know. I have had this conversation before. With actual Psychiatry professionals.
I still haven’t found a way to overtly manage satisfying all parts of my brain, in a balanced manner; and, hey, maybe that’s the overarching theme of this blog? Being both creative and rational in a society that over-values ration…(*laughs*)…
Okay, no, we don’t over-value rationality. We overvalue mechanical thought, and lack of thought, where it makes the people easier to herd. If we valued the trio of logic, rationality, and critical thought, politics would look a lot different; though perhaps that missing key is critical thought.
Though I would say that creativity is likely valued below rationality. It’s certainly paid less.
In any case…I seem to have spiraled my way back to this point…and it’s fairly late, here. I should be getting some rest…
And I should remember that I only have a little over three weeks to finish everything for school. In less than a month, that is, I’ll be free…until Summer Session starts up. )X
Before I go: I tried the above method, along with timing my naps, to get up and back to homework, today. It doesn’t work unless I have something I actually want to get up for. The lure of doing homework doesn’t cut it…