Beading actually does help my happiness.

And…I am hoping I’m not sliding back into a manic phase, again.  In my defense, I did visit a bead store for the first time in months, today (and bead stores are well known to beaders as akin to candy stores [to say it in a hopefully non-triggering way]).

Obviously (to me), it is far after midnight, here (about an hour at the beginning of this writing:  more exactly, 45 minutes, but I just came back from taking medication, which makes it 1 AM), which explains the sugar cravings that have been happening for the last two hours.  (I probably should have been in bed at 10.  As it is, I’ll probably be cold tonight…as happens when I stay up too long.)

It was a new bead store, too!  M said that she didn’t think it looked very big, but it was fairly well stocked where it comes to the newer Czech glass multihole beads.  In addition, they had a classroom divided off of the main shop where I caught someone using a handheld butane torch at a small soldering station.

I dropped a little over $60 there; making me glad I’d picked up some cash beforehand.  On the way out, we were stopped by an old retired lady who had decided that my godmother was her new best friend.  🙂  I will withhold my thoughts on that, but I will say that it reminded me of my workplace.

I have made an effort today to try and avoid worrying about my classes.  Because I’ve been catching up and dealing with the depression issues, I haven’t really gotten a real break from worry and preoccupation (except for today).  So anyhow, I was playing around with lots of little glass beads, earlier tonight.  I haven’t taken any photos, but I do think I have a good start on figuring out how to use the two-hole “Silky” beads (they’re shaped like textured diamonds).

Hint:  the thread isn’t limited to coming out of the bead in the direction of the drill holes.  Nor does it have to be limited to only flowing in one direction; it can be anchored in more than one.  I’m trying to figure out a way to use them with Long Magatama beads which will not result in the Long Magatamas sitting at odd angles…a bit difficult, when the holes in the latter are fairly huge to begin with.

I mean, Long Magatamas are meant to sit at an angle anyway, but there is angled alignment and then there is wonky unstable alignment.  I’m thinking that those beads are actually more meant to be used in kumihimo and other more fiber-heavy applications anyway, though, as versus straight traditional beadweaving — this being why the holes are so large (to allow passes of cord which are in turn woven, braided, or knotted, as versus the type of thread that’s used for seed bead weaving — typically, much [MUCH] thinner).

I picked up a reasonable amount and assortment of two-hole beads and some other shaped beads (like the Miyuki Long Drops I opted for in lieu of Rizos [there were no Rizos at this store], which…aren’t quite what I expected, though I did get a lot of them for what I paid).  I can see my tastes veering towards deep green- and violet-blues with gold and copper accents for the upcoming season…generally, the color trends in bead stores will attempt to predict and complement the colors used in coming fashion design palettes.  Among the beads I picked up were a string of 5mm blue Czech fire-polished beads (I’d never encountered 5mms before, only 6mm and 4mm)…a shade of blue which leans more violet than my norm, though they should match nicely with the fuschia beads I got…for some project which I can’t remember anymore…

Ah, right!  the lacy one.  I was designing a collar in Chevron Stitch using the fuschia beads!  This one is mostly pink with some violet-red, though I’m open to changing out the colors (honestly, I was just trying to find a way of using the pinks).  I haven’t settled on a final structural design yet, either, though I remember that at the time I was designing this, I was getting interested in tatting (which I eventually gave up on because it would be quite a lot of work to find someone who could teach me this method of lacemaking, and I’d likely have to tolerate some abrasive conservative politics, if I went to the lace specialty center near me).

Anyhow, it looks like lace.  I do have a couple of snapshots of it, but they’re very much just working-process things, playing with layout of different projects and such.

I also am wondering if I should get more sliding polystyrene drawer sets, considering that one of my sets is now almost totally full of tiny vials of beads.  That is, it is fulfilling its purpose as intended…and I do have other storage methods available for the contents of the other two drawer sets — it’s just that I’m surprised at how efficient it is (and that I’ve still withheld copious amounts of beads [read:  bronze and green] for the sake of project organization).

I also have two more sets of small Sterilite drawers which will assist…I just have to empty them of the quilting, knitting, and (most of the) crochet paraphernalia (small crochet hooks are invaluable in macrame).  Now that I think of it, I can put most of that into small boxes and into the box that holds my yarns, then use the opened-up space for tubes and packs of beads, organized by type or project.  Or, I could put my metals and tools in the Sterilite drawers, and use the polystyrene drawers for more transparent storage where visibility of my stock is a priority.

That actually sounds a lot better.  My storage methods have gradually changed as better options have become available…I’m just afraid that my polystyrene drawer sets will not be dependably stocked by the place I got them from.  I mean, I originally went back there for something which was no longer carried, then found these drawers for like $3 per set.  On the other hand…is it worth it to drive out there to get 3 more sets to match?  It is only $9, but …I just have so many storage options already…

Anyway, it’s now 2:30 AM.  I should really get some rest.  I can think about it overnight, though for some reason I hope I don’t end up going back out there…

Oh, and:  I did start weaving the bracelet I mentioned before with the Ladder-Stitched bugle beads, only I’m doing it in Dark Copper (dark red) and Moss Green, right now.  I’m going to do more than one…but likely putting a copper clasp on this one.

I just needed to do something less predictable than start right up where I left off with the first bracelet, last time.

Beading actually does help my happiness.

Reflexive creativity

I am obviously not being creative enough, because last night I got the urge to do something I haven’t done in a long time:  I attempted to visit a forum which caters (or catered — it’s now mostly abandoned) to people with marginalized and controversial identities.  Then I realized that I was falling back into the pattern of reflexive creativity (that is, turning my creativity back upon myself, as happens when I don’t use my external creative outlets [drawing, painting, writing, beadwork, jewelry] enough), and instead of writing about what I wanted to write about online (where negative attention would be much more likely than positive attention, and may make my online surroundings unsafe), I went back to one of my paper journals.  Particularly, the identity journal…which I hadn’t used for about a year.

With things going the way they are now, it will likely be safer for me to do this when these urges come up, instead of publishing under any unique user account like WordPress or Facebook.  It will also be easier to keep things straight where it comes to my particular perspective (that is, I won’t have to play along with the groundrules as I basically had to, when I was dealing with talking about this in groups [for the sake of inclusion] — thing is, without the groundrules, it sounds a lot more sane, and can probably progress much further than it was originally taken).

Part of what prompted this was some input I’ve been getting from a blogger or two on WordPress.  Nothing direct, just indirect, “it’s OK to think and say things others wouldn’t,” type of support.  I don’t feel safe enough to do that in public, let alone connected with a traceable identity, but then I realized that paper journals preceded blogs and may be superior to them in at least one sense, which is privacy.

I could only stand writing for about twenty minutes, last night…then, I think, I lost sight of what I had originally intended to write (I need to make a habit of making quick notes when I start…how am I supposed to remember why I started writing when I’m off on my third tangent), or I had encompassed the reason I started to write, and reached a natural breaking point.  The second sense in which paper journals feel superior to blogs (to me) is in the ease of drawing and easily adding visual input and notation into their pages.  It isn’t as easy with a lined journal, but I looked into my art journal after having written the entry in my identity journal.

I was…seriously…that stuff still blows me away.  It’s like, how can I have this talent and not be using it (and the answer is that I want to use it for good, not evil, therefore my options are limited and I need to find a secondary route of employment).

In addition, I have the seed of a story (at least its beginning) in the art journal, and was reminded of it when I looked over it again.  In turn, I had been building up to that seed, for years.

It seems that when I’m either 1) off medication, or 2) in an active phase of illness, I’m much more creative than I am when I’m stable.  I don’t really know what lies behind that — if it’s an impetus thing (something, for some reason, causing me to work things out creatively), or a coping thing (whether I’m really coping with the outside world or with some distortion of it which my imagination has made), or a brain-chemistry thing…I really just don’t know.  I know that it’s generally harder for me to function in society when I’m less-medicated, but then I gain the ability to shift back toward a generative stance where my thinking is more free than seems to be tolerated…at least, online.

Anyhow, I also asked someone today for help with finding books on creativity where someone could be trying to write, but something like trauma keeps coming up every time they try to.  Yes, there are a couple of designations in the Dewey Decimal system for that!  (I figured that if there was a cookbook specifically on seaweeds, then maybe there was a chance that there was a book on being creative while mentally ill, and how to do it without making things worse.)

I’ve basically been avoiding creative writing for a really long time…since I graduated with the degree, I think.  I had noticed that since I began the second medication I’m still on, writing was much harder for me; my mind just got a lot quieter.  In addition, and I’ve said this before, it engages part of my brain which makes up what it sees to be the most likely scenario for a given incomplete data set, which doesn’t help me in real life.  Mostly because my core beliefs are skewed because of years of peer abuse, and then the illness that kicked in (probably because of the abuse), magnifies that.

Because of this, I’ve been thinking about Dialectical Behavior Therapy…which doesn’t sound fun, but does sound as though it could help me function better…and maybe get off of some of these medications (particularly the ones which aren’t related to anxiety, though it would be a trip if I could lower that one, too).  …Though I am not sure I would still be functional off of the medication which quieted my brain:  it takes care of multiple symptom classes.

I’m trying to think of how long I lived with overt symptoms without recognizing them or treating them with meds…I really can’t remember how old I was when I began, but I had to have been at my latter University in undergraduate work.  My memories from that time (of noticing my brain working differently) are from inside college classrooms…and I know that my judgment was flawed before then (although I couldn’t tell, at the time [actually coming to recognize that I had substantial cognitive impairments took about 10 years down the line…or it felt like that]).

It would probably be clear from the above, but I just realize now that I only implied that I would like to write, again:  I didn’t actually say it.  (Show, not Tell?)

Ya huh.  In any case, one of the books we found at the Library, I already own, so I can take a look in there…and see if I’ve read it already.  My ultimate goal would be to be able to write creatively again without making myself sick, in the process…

Reflexive creativity

attempting to preserve my health (…so I say)

Yeah, that.  😉  Right now I’m dissolving a zinc lozenge in my mouth before going back to bed; I lay down at 8 PM or something, basically slept until midnight, then took medication.  In addition, I also took B-complex and Vitamin C supplements.

I feel kind of bad doing this instead of homework…but sometimes you really need to care for yourself, you know?  Emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I did spend about $20 at the hardware and craft stores today, though D picked up the tab at the latter.  So now I have two feet of 14g copper wire, and three feet of 16g (as I said before, the higher the gauge number, the thinner the wire).  My flush cutters can take two mm of copper wire, max., but I also have heavy-duty cutters lent me by D.

Right now I am wondering how I’m going to polish this stuff — we do have a Dremel, and polishing equipment to  go with it — but I forgot that hardware store wire (the kind one can torch, pickle, and patina) generally isn’t sold, polished.  I’ve got to figure out what to do with that.  I can’t do wire wraps around an unfinished clasp…nor should I polish anything that isn’t soldered down.  Plus, polishing compound sprays everywhere, and I’ll need to wear work clothes and a face mask + goggles.

It’s not that it’s difficult to use a pick-soldering technique to secure wirework, it’s just that I’ve never used a small butane torch, before (as versus acetylene) — and heat requires chemicals to get the oxidation and flux off.  And, well, we have silver solder, so the silver color is going to show up unless I grind it away while polishing.  And the polishing compound may get stuck in the wires.  Maybe that’s why people patinate with liver of sulfur and then polish again?

(Or maybe that’s why people buy their wire from jewelry suppliers instead of hardware stores…craft store wire brings in a different set of elements where the metal may not be [assume it isn’t] safe to heat.)

It would probably be OK, though, to file the pieces smooth with needle files and then wire-wrap…it will just look like a brushed/faceted finish.

Maybe I do need to invest in some polishing tools…I can make heavy chains, then.  (Never ever polish a chain with a rotary power tool!  You could lose fingers.)  There’s the possibility of a rock tumbler…which honestly sounds like the most economical way to work, but it’s an investment.

I did also make a little thing, yesterday.  It didn’t take too long:  it is a bracelet made with (what I think is) waxed cotton (I got it from a craft store and threw out the wrapping a long time ago), and ceramic beads.  The beads I got, surprisingly, don’t work all that well with this…twine? yarn? cord? (I guess the latter fits) — I had been hoping to put two strands through the holes, but the holes — even though they’re about 2mm wide — are only large enough to accommodate one strand.  I had been hoping to find this cord in a color other than black (maybe mauve), but honestly I’m not sure where I found it in the first place…was it with the hemp, or the perle cotton?…

I was just looking through a book and got lost for a second…this is a book that I think I got from Kinokuniya Bookstore, called Macrame Pattern Book, by Marchen Art Studio.  It’s actually a really kind thing they put together…it has pictures of finished patterns and then written and visual instructions as to how to knot the patterns.  As I’ve said before, starting in on a pattern and working it leads to a number of different possibilities for derivation from the pattern.  This book does say that the patterns are for personal use only; on the other hand, they also show some really common (public-domain) patterns, in addition to the more specific ones like the numerous “Buddhist Treasure Mesh” panel patterns toward the back of the book.

One of the patterns I really want to retry is on page 39, Double Spiral Knot.  I worked out how to do it a long time ago, after a bunch of errors.  It did, honestly, take work to learn, but now I know how to do it.  I’m curious as to how it can be combined with small beads, or if that will destroy any structure that was there in the first place.

I do want to break into one of the books by Joan Babcock — she’s published three paper books, the third of which was recently gifted to me (I’ve tried doing a knot pattern that I think I really need help on — I know I can find it, there).  Then, there is the wireweaving angle (which is why I picked up a coil of 26g round copper wire today, though if I’d known we had some already, I would have saved the $4).  Micromacrame and wirework really seem kind of parallel in aesthetics, to a point.  I think they may have the potential to work together…

And, there is one photo of a project I made, floating around the Web; I’m curious to see if I can rework it and make it into a printed and drawn pattern, which I can distribute.  For free or for pay?  I’m not sure, though I don’t think it would be wrong to ask for compensation…I probably wouldn’t charge a lot.  (Well.  Of course.  Me.  The person who has experimented with putting Creative Commons licensing on their uploaded work and works in a library.  Right.)

Okay, I’m…really getting tired, about now.  It’s about 2 AM here, so I should be getting back to bed — especially since I do really need to clean up before sleeping.

Logging off…

attempting to preserve my health (…so I say)

This is definitely a depressive episode.

I’m trying to decide whether to write, or read, right now.  It’s pretty clear to me that I am in a depression, at this point:  sleeping for 14 hours and then having to decide to get up (or bribe myself into getting up by telling myself I’ll play with my beads) isn’t normal.

I’m thinking that maybe I need to change my vocabulary around when I say I feel “tired.”  There is actually being tired, when I really need sleep; and then there is being low-energy and lethargic and not seeing anything more interesting to do than stay in bed — but not necessarily needing sleep.  (Which reminds me that exercise, though painful, should help me get through this state.)  Though…I do wonder if I actually need the sleep, or not.

I know I need about 8-10 hours of sleep to be OK, but 14 is a bit much (it’s like I’m making up for that 4-6 hours of sleep I got a night in high school).  Right now, I’ve only been out of bed for about eight hours.  It seems that it would be OK to stay up because of that, but throwing off my sleep schedule will only make the depression worse.  It’s really better to go to bed early and wake up at 5:30 in the morning, like I did today…just not to go back to sleep for another eight hours.

Also, where it comes to judgment — sometimes I think I don’t need B vitamins and then I slip into a place like this and use up a megadose.  (I can tell if I use them all up because excess B-complex…well, it’s obvious…I won’t say what I’m thinking because I don’t want this post indexed with those words, but if you take B-complex megadoses both when you do and don’t need them, it’s obvious when the excess passes through.)

Which makes me think:  hmm.  B vitamins.  Maybe I need some of those…

I just found a bottle of B-12 sublingual (megadose), which should help for tonight.  Maybe I can get up around 10 AM tomorrow and get some B-complex and check out the art store.  I’ve been studying in my office, and as such, have been looking at the drawings I made in marker on the giant pad of sketch paper on my altar table.  Well, actually, I threw them aside to get a fresh (non-dusty) surface, and then started looking at them (when they were on the floor).

(Yeah, I kind of have papers thrown all over the place, right now…)

I can actually see some things going on there that I hadn’t noticed, before.  For one thing, there is the inference of a dragon or gryphon in the focal point of one of my images, which was entirely unconscious.  For another thing, I’m appreciating the bold colors and large strokes on the other image.  These were the two images I was talking about a while ago, which I decided not to put online because they were just for me, and I didn’t want to deal with the psychic interference of potential (positive or negative) judgment, in my process.

I recall…in the book, The artist’s way, which I started using some years ago and then left off of (it’s kind of like a creativity-nurturing program), there was an exercise called “The Morning Pages,” where someone writes for maybe half an hour to 45 minutes every day right after they wake up, and then move on with their day.  You’re not supposed to look back over these writings for a while, just do them and move on.  I’m wondering if that would work with visual art.  My folks say it should.

I mean, that could be something to get up for, right?  It also sounds like a good way to generate a lot of ideas for artworks — or even just “flex those creative muscles.”  (Yeah, I don’t like that phraseology…my brain is not a muscle…)

Right now, I’ve just finished listening to a fairly long lecture.  I’ll listen to the next one tomorrow, then try and crank out the graded homework I missed…I don’t think my brain can take another hour of needing to pay rapt attention.  But I’m getting to the point where I’ve realized just how much work I’ve got ahead of me.

I’ll need to submit a Discussion Board post by Thursday in Research Methodologies, meaning that I’ll want to have gotten the assigned readings and lectures out of the way before then.  In addition, I’ll need to have done enough initial research to have dug into a bit of a Literature Review.  I have a lot of sources already (I was searching “minority librarians” under a large database — after I found that this was the preferred term under the controlled vocabulary), but I’ll need to sort through them and read the most promising ones.

And the Cataloging homework is relatively steady.  I haven’t read Lecture 4 yet, so I don’t know if this will have me working online again — but the Cataloging Professor gives out written lectures, not audio ones, and I can easily map out what needs to be done soonest.  (I think there may be practice sheets for Week 4, too…gah.)

So I basically got two weeks behind on everything while I was trying to figure out Dewey and freaking out and getting anxious and depressed and trying to put together a fall-back position.  Was it worth it?  I’m not sure — I haven’t checked my grades, yet, but I don’t think this Professor is one to give a student an F because they were off (even slightly off) on two out of six questions.  Although a 60% is an F, in my system.

And yes, the B12 tablet is still under my tongue…how long is this thing supposed to take to dissolve???

Better yet, no one knew this was a sublingual tablet but me?  Did they just swallow the things without reading the bottle???

Okay, it’s gone.  I feel better now.  🙂

This is definitely a depressive episode.

I’m really so tired that I can’t think, right now.

But writing is better than staring vacuously at the screen.  And I won’t remember anything tomorrow that I read for content, now.  I really should just go to bed…

Okay, compromise.  I just took my medication, which will ensure that I’ll only be functional until about 11:10, giving me an hour and a half to …probably either get ready for bed, or do something besides study, eat, or sleep.  I’m pretty sure that the difficulty in Cataloging has me somewhat depressed, because I slept over 12 hours last night and then lay down for an additional two, today, and I’m still tired.

It’s probably not fighting off whatever virus is going around at my work:  I’ve been staying hydrated (to prevent my membranes [e.g. throat, sinuses] from cracking) and washing up before eating…though the virus could be part of it, actually.  Depression increases vulnerability to infection.  Then there’s the regular biology stuff, which…could be playing a part, too.  And, well, I have a tendency to this.

I did do the graded exercise on Dewey Decimal Categorization.  I either missed two questions or got partial credit on two questions, but there were only six questions to speak of.  I’m just glad (and surprised) I got the correct answer on four of them.  I’ve had the idea of putting Dewey numbers on all of my personal library books (that is, the books I own which make up my “library”) as practice, but who would tell me if I was right?  I guess I could go to WorldCAT and try and find answers that way…that is, my DDC education doesn’t have to stop here, and I don’t have to resign myself to “just not getting it.”

Hmm.  Going to WorldCAT and then bridging into SFPL did give me the Dewey number of The mentalist’s handbook:  An explorer’s guide to astral, spirit, and psychic worlds.  Amazingly.  This could be doable…so long as the cataloging isn’t messed up on the other end(s).  Though I suppose I could always cross-reference the individual Dewey entries.  (Hey!  Now that I look on the inside of the front of the book, there is a number which matched SFPL’s Dewey number!  It just isn’t as elaborate…and it has a note, “–dc22” at the end, which may indicate the version of DDC used…)

I had planned on completing the work for Metadata today, but I just wasn’t up to it.  I did make it through three chapters, but I still have (most of) one more reading, and two lectures to listen to.  Good part?  I have two days off of work to help me catch up (although I didn’t realize that tomorrow was a holiday until sometime last week — that is, no one’s going in to work, as versus just me).  And then after Wednesday, I have another two days to work.

I severely need to do research for my Research Methodologies class, which I’ve done no work for, for too long (about a week and a half).  Then I can work on catching up with my lectures and readings for Cataloging (I’m two weeks behind).


At least I won’t have to worry about going to work on Mondays, now.

As regards my state:  I’m a bit better now after listening to a bunch of music and browsing bead catalogs.  I should get ready for bed before I become entirely nonfunctional…

I’m really so tired that I can’t think, right now.

Of course, I shouldn’t plan to fail…

But in practicality…?  I don’t know if I’ll be able to pass this first graded exercise on Dewey Decimal Cataloging.  Probably the majority of the reason I was able to navigate it early on is that I use it so much — but using it and remembering the collocation sections is not comparable to building it.  I don’t know if I’ve been this lost in a class since attempting Calculus (though, granted, I never did get to see how well or poorly I was doing in Calculus, before I dropped it.  Right now, I’m really not doing well in this class, and it’s really apparent to me that I’m not doing well).

I know now why I read that if I was interested in Cataloging, to take Beginning Cataloging as soon as possible.  This class really will show a person whether they actually are interested in Cataloging (as versus the idea of Cataloging).  Luckily, I have some work done from the last time I was concerned about doing well in this class.  I can still easily switch paths to Digital Services, with the aim of working online for a digital library or e-commerce platform (in which case, my Digital Imaging experience should come in handy — not that I consider myself very accomplished at that, yet).  I have a backup plan, that is.

At this point, I am kind of wishing, though, that I had decided on this prior to starting the program at all.  As things are, I had three slots free last semester which I could have used toward the goal of specializing in Digital Services — but I was still considering working in a Public Library setting.  What those two classes showed me is that I probably don’t want to do that — at least, not as an Adult/Teen Services or Children’s Librarian.

The two classes I took then are, however, fulfilling other requirements that I would need for an ALA-accredited degree — and that “ALA-accredited” part is what will qualify me to work as a librarian — even if as a Metadata or Digital Services Librarian.  And I suppose it’s that which may give me some power when it comes to employment negotiations outside the Library field.

So I’m pretty sure I’m going to bomb this exercise, but that doesn’t mean I should give up on my other two classes.  I’ll try and work on one or the other of those, now…

Of course, I shouldn’t plan to fail…

Record for today (I forget these things if I don’t write them down)

I think I’ve remembered that I’m in grad school, and thus, no one is watching me to make sure I do all my practice exercises.  😛  In any case, I did attend the meeting tonight, and feel relatively much better — especially after having gotten through the chapter on Dewey (except for Dewey Abridged, which I just skipped — as we’re going as specific as possible, and the Dewey Abridged section repeats a lot of material).

I’m getting to the point where I can look at my wrong answers and see where I made a mistake, so this much is good.  (I’m also really glad that I bought this book, because there are highlights all over this chapter, not to mention I’m doing a number on the spine.  The book is about 2″ thick, so…)  The section I read today did clarify a lot that I didn’t know — particularly, through examples.

I’m now on the second half of the lecture that was given about a week and a half ago (I’m still behind), but I don’t have to do any more new textbook reading, for now.  Well, I can; I probably just shouldn’t — I should concentrate on the upcoming graded exercise.  What I did do tonight — other than the meeting — was complete Exercise #4, start in on #5 (there are seven for this unit), go over some mistakes, and start rereading and working through the Week 3 Lecture Notes.

It seems like a lot of getting the answers correct depends on picking the right trail to take through the site, and one doesn’t know the correct trail, necessarily, unless one reads the notes at each juncture.

Right now I can’t bring myself to work further on the (interactive) lecture, largely because of being faced with a textwall where it comes to entering into working on Table 3B.  I guess intimidation isn’t a good excuse, though, because that textwall is still going to be there, tomorrow.

Did I do anything fun today?  Not really — the help session was kind of the high point of it.  I also haven’t exercised in a couple of days, which I’m not really happy about, though I am still losing weight.  Yeah, I guess last night was my fun time.  I did find the photo I was thinking about in my last post, though:


This is the image which I’ve been scared to start painting, because I know it isn’t going to turn out the way it looks in the photo.  Plus, I love the photo.  I could do a watercolor version of this, but I’d have to use masking fluid for large areas of sunlight, and I’m a bit paranoid about becoming sensitized to latex via fumes or skin contact.  Or maybe I can use tape?  I didn’t think about that until just now…

I can see how I could work into this image with Permanent Rose and Phthalo Green/Viridian Hue (in watercolor), or Quinacridone Magenta and Phthalo Green and Blue (in acrylic) and maybe a warm color like Indian Yellow…then there is the question of the background.  Is it possible to mix a shade akin to Hooker’s Green, without actually using Hooker’s Green?  It’s probably possible…I just have hated Hooker’s Green since I first got exposed to it in colored pencils, but maybe the pencils were just dull.

I suppose, what do I have to lose, right?  Besides time.

I do have a lot of reading coming due for Metadata, but I’d rather miss the 1.5 points for the Discussion Post than the 100 points for the Dewey exercise.

And I still don’t know how to underpaint, though maybe if I made things in Phthalo Blue/Green and white with gesso, it would provide a good foundation for the rest of the project.  One of the big strengths of this image is the limited color palette, though…something I’ve found with botanical images in general.  Plus, the high value contrast between the shadows and highlights.

I guess if I mess up, I just gesso over it…

And no, I’m not sure whether to use a limited palette or the more complex color mixing I’m known for…the latter would likely be easier, so long as I stick with the same palette through the whole thing…(like adding violets and such — things not emphasized in the photo — would be interesting).  My teacher used to tell us “not to become a slave to the photograph” and that only laying out certain colors was like “trying to conduct a symphony with only a few notes”.

Yeah, the worst that can happen is that I just paint over it…as long as I don’t use textural media…

Hey — maybe I can do a small version of it before the 30″x30″?  I have a 12″x12″ board gessoed and ready to go…it’s much less of a loss to lose a square foot of Hardbord!  And I can practice my color combinations on it…and my drawing in charcoal.  And I have another side if I totally mess up.

I made a note to myself last night as regards sharing my images…that there’s no way for me to keep a creative work entirely to myself, unless I don’t make it.  Once it’s shown or heard or read, it can be copied; but the alternative is self-silencing, which seems to defeat the purpose of creativity.  It’s like being a singer who sings beautiful songs, but only when no one else is around to hear.

In that case, does the problem really lie with selfishness, as I’ve assumed, or does it lie in fear of judgment (or even esteem)?  What’s the value of being creative if no one sees what I create?  Of course, I’d still create, because that’s a key part of who I feel myself to be, at this point; but it’s like hoarding…which would seem to be the opposite of what I came into this world to do.  Creativity is for sharing…right?  It can’t do its work if no one knows about it…

Record for today (I forget these things if I don’t write them down)