Think I’ve been pushing myself too hard.

I woke up at about 5 AM this morning, feeling sick to my stomach.  At around 10 AM, I got up with a little nausea and a tiny bit of a headache, took some acetaminophen, and went back to bed.  Then came the coughing.

By now, I’ve eaten dinner and am wondering if the coughing was sourced from dehydration alone; although I’ve had a tickle in my throat for most of the day.

So far as studies go, I’ve only made it ten or so pages into one of my readings, out of everything that’s left undone.  Things that are easy to read, I can read quickly, retain most of, and be done with it, but this is an academic journal article:  directly relevant and applicable to my work, as well.  I did transfer it onto a tablet to read it, so I wouldn’t be stuck in this office all day.  It’s tough when a setting like this gets associated with negative stimuli.

Which I say in order to avoid talking about the conflict I got into, in the introductory postings.  (“Are you kidding…?  You got into a conflict in the introductions???”)  It seems alright now, and I don’t have energy enough to try and work through my trauma to bring my full viewpoint and experience to the fore.

Basically, I’m in one emotionally neutral class and two others which may be triggering (one on diversity and inclusion; the other, on intellectual freedom).  I noticed that I got triggered at work yesterday, too (by a crying child who seemed just to be trying to attract attention — it gets obvious when you hear so many different types of crying), which flashed me back to my own childhood.  Then I started getting a cascade of negative memories, although I was able to actually notice what was happening, in the process, so I didn’t get overly tangled in them.

By the time I got home, I had forgotten about the triggering; then recalled it later, and was kind of in wonder about how I had entirely forgotten something that had been earlier trying to fully occupy my energies.

I just hope I didn’t mis-shelve too much stuff while I was distracted.

In any case, I’ve been either in bed or asleep for the greater part of today, which — now that I’ve written this out — seems understandable.

As for the workload:  I go back in two days for a six-hour shift, then don’t have to worry about it until Monday; which is, actually, around the time we will be moving on to our next modules in my classes.  So I actually do have some work cut out for me.  I may not be able to make it to skating over the weekend with a kid who will probably be hurling himself into strangers…or me.

…yeah, I’ve got to think about what I’m going to do about that.  I’m leaning against going and towards working on my homework…if I can’t get enough done tomorrow and before or after work on Saturday.  I guess that by then, if my choice is dictated for me, I’ll know it.

At least that’s one less thing to worry about.

For that matter, if I’m sick by that time, I’ll know it.

I’ve also heard that there are interviews going on for our understaffed Shelving hours.  I don’t think my old supervisor knew that three of her Shelvers (Aides) would bail after she was gone (though only two apparently because they didn’t want a new supervisor:  one of whom was the person I filled in for until I had a breakdown).  This is in addition to the one who left just before she did; though that was for a different reason.

I would say more about this, but I have a feeling that should be avoided.

Right now, it’s 9:40 PM my time; and I’m not sure if I should get back to trying to study, or declare it a wash and just go to bed.  I still have to work on some tech stuff which hasn’t been getting done, and I have a lingering writing assignment from the first week.

Maybe I’ll work on the latter, now.

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Haru ("Codey") is a third-year Master's student in Library and Information Science, hoping to find a way to fuse their desire to make the world a better place and to finance their art.

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