What do I want to do with my life?

I am not sure how “upbeat” this post is going to be.  Over the last several days I seem to have moved into a depressive slump.  The people in my life who have been trying to help me with this have all noted that there are so many things happening at once, that I can’t deal with them all in my current (overwhelmed) state.

I was able to apply for classes with the iSchool, but have found that the classes I have access to are limited because I’m accepting a need-based grant.  To get access to more, I have to take out private loans, which I can’t afford.  The classes I do have access to are more library-focused as versus information-science (e.g. Web)-focused.  This is kind of a pain, as I know that there are aspects of being a front-line worker (like dealing with high/intoxicated/violent/etc. people) that I really don’t want; but maybe I can go into a more specialized focus behind-the-scenes.

Work has also been super stressful recently, too, because of everyone going to the library for the air conditioning and leaving their stuff everywhere and not being in control of their kids…to say the least.  I had to stay home today because I was not mentally capable of dealing with all of that (including what I’m not mentioning), and dealing with my own life at the same time.

Earlier, I was working on a bracelet repair — to try and calm myself.  It isn’t quite (…) done right, but it’s better than it was.  Right now I’m trying to plan out how I’m going to zip the two pieces back together, and how many beads I’ll need for that (as versus how many I have).  Math is not something that comes easily to me, anymore.

This was clearly demonstrated to me last night when I was trying to figure out exactly how many more semesters of Library school I had to work with, and encountered the ever-problematic inclusion/exclusion problem (in my head, it’s ever-problematic; maybe I just don’t “get” integers, or something).  I did make it through Pre-Calculus and Statistics; it’s just been so long since I’ve used math skills without a calculator or computer that I’m really rusty.  Trying to measure time is like this for me…I just kind of don’t understand the concept of time, itself; and have to stop and actually think when I’m trying to tell how much time has passed.

But anyway; the answer is that after Fall 2016 is over, I will only have five more semesters before my final semester, to pack everything in.  I have to take at least two classes, each semester, to graduate on time.

After I got tired of working on the bracelet, I started reading an interesting book which is a companion to Writer’s Market.  This copy came out six years ago, but it feels surprisingly current.  What I found is that if I do want to become a professional writer, I’ll likely need to be reading and writing all the time, plus being exposed to media to watch current trends.  I’m not sure this will leave great room for art and beadwork, other than as hobbies; as I will still need a day job.  Library work is, surprisingly, a good candidate for this — even if it’s front-line work, which is usually not horrifying or traumatic…except when it is.  (I’ve already checked out a book on Reader’s Advisory, which I haven’t touched yet.)

And, I can see that reading actually does bring me a good measure of peace.  It’s been a really long time since I’ve actually sat down and read a paper book.  It gets the rest of my worries to calm down, kind of like writing does (though, yes, it is different to write by hand than to type — handwriting is like drawing — and writing is different than reading).

The book I’m looking through is something I feel (at least) to be worth my time, as it is about how to become a published author.  It’s true that writing can’t communicate everything (at least at my skill level, as someone who largely hasn’t read fiction for quite a while), but I also have a point of view which is relatively rare.  Plus, being an author would provide some degree of anonymity and influence…and I would always have the intellectual freedom supporters at my back.

I’ve also heard — especially in the Art program — that not everyone can write fluently.  I have the advantage of good writing skills, good drawing skills, and relatively good skills at speaking in front of groups.

I really shouldn’t have stayed up so late last night — I was up until about 2 AM, which is probably why I broke down, today.  Things have just been really stressful, and it hasn’t really let up since two weeks before Finals.  I’m thinking about avoiding any extra hours, this week.  It doesn’t seem fair to everyone else, but then I don’t know if anyone else is actually compensating for our missing crew member, other than me.

Part of it is my fault for offering to work more (I lost 16 hours of pay when I was last sick); and maybe I’m just misreading, “can you work,” as, “I need you to work, unless you have prior plans.”  There is a difference between having a time opening and having the energy and wherewithal to spend hours on high alert, which I have to constantly be on when I’m there.  Accurate shelving can’t be done without alertness.  Working the desk can’t be done without alertness.  Avoiding attack can’t be done without alertness.

Yeah, maybe — if I can — I can let our other three crew members pick up the slack…

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Haru ("Codey") is a third-year Master's student in Library and Information Science, hoping to find a way to fuse their desire to make the world a better place and to finance their art.

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