Getting a little stressed, here:

No artwork done, today.  Took my materials to work and realized that in the thirty minutes I had to spare, I didn’t want to do more work on my break from work.

However; it was interesting as a jumping-off point to connect with someone.  🙂  That was good.

My watercolor tests have come out looking decent, actually; though I’ll need to use more red for the rose (Aureolin + Permanent Rose Red — I have no decent ready-made orange, right now; Winsor Orange dulls down quickly in mixes, and my Cadmium Orange Hue is fugitive).  I’ve decided on the four pieces I’m going to show at Critique.  I still need to color all of them, though, and finish the linework on my piece with the sword.  …which is the heavy piece that I didn’t want to engage during lunch, today, and the one that will stay out of the public eye, if I can help it.

There are at least three other projects I have to work on for that same class.  I am not sure if this is intended as preparation for Bachelor’s level work, but it’s more like upper-division Bachelor’s work.  It is the capstone class, but still.  This is community college, not a UC.  It reminds me of how high school, for me, was more demanding than college.

Though, I suppose I was not in the Department Head’s Beginning Drawing class — I didn’t have that 120-page gesture drawing assignment.  No, I had the teacher who taught chiaroscuro and committed line and did not know how to teach perspective.  It took someone who didn’t have the English skills he needed illustrating an answer to my questions for me to understand how perspective was supposed to work.

I still don’t know how that person got that job; but this was before the Department was under its current Head.

I’ve decided not to do Modern Art History over Summer break.  I work at a effin’ library.  I have a Bachelor’s degree.  I can research on my own.  After my experience with race tensions in a certain other class, I’ve decided to pay attention to the RateMyProfessor comments which mention that this prof doesn’t have a great record with being culturally sensitive.  One of his former students, who encouraged me to take his class, dismissed this — but she was white; thus, this concern didn’t directly impact her as much as it would me.  It’s easy to dismiss something like that, when it doesn’t affect you.

Yes, this stuff still matters.  Amazingly enough.  The good thing about teaching yourself is that when you are reading a book and the book is coming from a point of view you don’t agree with and would not listen to if given the chance (and you can start to predict what will be said), you have the option to read a different book.  You don’t always have the option of switching professors.

Yes, you say, but do not his words have value even if his perspective is racist?  Probably; probably, there’s a lot that I could learn in that class — however, I don’t feel like gambling again, or tolerating that, if what was said was based in reality.  Especially as I’m probably going to be burnt out at the end of this semester and am heading back up to the Master’s program.  I’ll probably have enough of a time with profs over the next three years.

Juggling 7 assignments over three classes (as I’m doing now:  I’m just ignoring the other three [actually, four; there’s textbook reading] assignments for Creative Process) is just ridiculous.

Plus, Modern Art History gets out after 9 PM.  This is tolerable once a week.  Not for half the week.  I’m screwing up my sleep schedule enough, as it is — I had just gotten to the point where it was regular and things were stable.  And then boom:  night classes and staffing issues.

There is another accessible campus that gives the same class during the day, but the commute is long and nerve-wracking…and I don’t actually need this class.  I’ve already had two Art History classes, both of which gave me a basis to grasp a more intensive study of Modern Art History, because they both covered the period.  I just want to know more than I do.

Sorry about being so negative; I should probably get some sleep.  I just really don’t want to work on this Art homework right now, nor do I want to be pushed to work all day tomorrow and the day after (or to stay up late tomorrow and the day after) to make the April 19th deadline.  It’s possible to pull an all-nighter or two, but again:  I just got to the point where my sleep schedule was stable, and I was stable.

However…the anticipation of the work is always harder to deal with than actually doing the work.  And I do have accommodations, which allow me to turn things in late with less of a dock (depending on how late they are).  However, Critique and our Animal Morphing assignment (the one I have to do the taxidermy sketches for) are both on Tuesday, so there is a real loss if I’m not ready by that day.

It’s not like turning in a paper, late.  It’s not even like giving an oral presentation, late.  It’s missing feedback and being able to show off what you labored over for the past few weeks.  In a way, it’s kind of like a celebration because you’re able to say you did it.  But there have actually been a lot of people turning a lot of stuff in late, so maybe I shouldn’t worry, so much.  I’m just not used to not performing my best; but then:  five assignments for Creative Process.  Yes?

And I’m writing because I really need to write.  I don’t know why.  But I don’t think I could handle this without someplace to work out my thoughts…

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Haru ("Codey") is a third-year Master's student in Library and Information Science, hoping to find a way to fuse their desire to make the world a better place and to finance their art.

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