Went too far in that direction, did I?

Apologies for not being on top of the comments, recently.  Mentally, I’ve not been in a great place for the last couple of days — it’s been hard to get up and active.  I have been thinking that (in addition to having too much unstructured time and being on two sedating medications and dealing with a clinically significant lack of motivation), this may be related to the writing project/philosophical foundation for artwork, which I’ve been working on for the last several posts.  My reasoning?

I’ve gone back to an old pattern of writing being the major thing I’m doing outside of sleeping, and my writing and thought have started to revolve around spirituality.  Dreams and sleep are…for me, a bit closer to death than being awake and doing things.  What I’m trying to say is that I feel like I’m becoming ungrounded — by which I mean that practicality and basic things which need to be done and Earth life in general have been falling behind me.  Historically, I know that I need to watch out for this, because when I get too deeply into spirituality and dreams, it can often concomitantly detach me from a desire to remain embodied (not that I think the alternative is a great idea, because childhood was a pain, and I don’t want to go through it again unnecessarily; plus, I’d be giving up my current job post as a Creator).  ;P

Heh — maybe I do need to remind myself of my current role; and maybe it isn’t the best thing to think of the art as something to help me stay alive.  It’s a reason to stay alive.  I’ve just got to balance the spiritual foundation of my work with the grounding process of my actual work.

And I don’t want to meditate, but maybe I should.

It’s a good thing for me that school is about to start up again.  I keep having the experience of not knowing what to do when I don’t have work or deadlines, and then not being certain whether not-deciding what to do and just hanging out in bed is actually “resting” or just “being lazy.”  The latter is something that a lot of people with my diagnosis get accused of, because of, as stated earlier, a clinical lack of motivation.  (It’s called a “negative symptom” — something that isn’t there, that should be there, as contrasted with a “positive symptom” — something that is there that shouldn’t be.  To the best of my knowledge, it’s caused by a neurotransmitter imbalance.  Medications help with the worst of it [most of my troubles stem from negative and mood-related symptoms], but they do not eliminate all symptoms.)

It’s actually really similar to the time right after I came home from my first University, though in practicality, that was three months of triage.

And, actually — now that I think of it — I may have been forcing my way through this when I decided what my major was, and writing was the only common denominator of all areas of my life.

Yeah, right now, I’m thinking:  meditation, then art.  Maybe restart the dryer, first.  🙂

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paintedstone

Haru ("Codey") is a second-year Master's student in Library and Information Science, hoping to find a way to fuse their desire to make the world a better place and to finance their art.

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