Ah, anxiety…

I need to work on a rough draft on my painting for class, but it seems too unpleasant.

I’ve been mostly asleep, today…I fell asleep by accident last night and when I woke, I didn’t want to get out of bed and work.  It’s the first full day off I’ve had for at least a week; maybe two.

Caffeine has been helping (green tea ice cream, brownie, jasmine tea), but I am not sure if sedation or fatigue is the problem.  Or, if it’s just aversion that’s the problem.  My anxiety has been acting up recently and leading me not to want to work with non-toxic paints because of fears that there are toxins in them that haven’t been recognized or studied, yet.

The painting I’m working on, itself…it’s fairly apocalyptic.  It’s possible that what I need to do is jump right to canvas instead of trying to work this stuff out in a full-page watercolor version, because transparent watercolors can be a pain where it comes to light-over-dark areas.  I do have masking fluid, but I’ve never used it before, and apparently fumes from liquid latex can cause people to develop latex allergies (though mine is supposed to be “hypoallergenic”).

Anyhow, I did do an update, which I don’t think anyone saw because of WordPress’s default to backdate items in the reader to the time at which they were started.  I changed it into a page and posted it here.  It gives information about the context of my positionality and of this blog, because I realize I’ve been holding my cards pretty close and it’s been handicapping me where it comes to talking about anything important at all.

Right now…I either need to clean myself up or lie down or paint…there aren’t many other choices.  I’ve considered staying up late tonight to work on the painting, though I know that’s a bad move where it comes to my sleep schedule…


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Haru ("Codey") is a third-year Master's student in Library and Information Science, hoping to find a way to fuse their desire to make the world a better place and to finance their art.

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