This post will not be about my art, so much as it is about why I’m not doing the art. For better or worse, I’ve been asleep for the majority of the past two days. Why?…I can imagine, but that is really what I think the rest of this post is about.
I did manage to work on the Morning Pages at about 6 AM today. That much was good. But I’ve been up and down all morning and afternoon, really. While I was asleep…I’m thinking this was yesterday…I realized that one of the keys to my artistic block is that I’m afraid that if I work creatively and let my subconscious come into visibility, I’m going to see again that I want to be male.
That right there comes with a lot of baggage, because I’m gender-fluid, not stably trans* male. This means that even if I did physically transition to male, my presentation and identity would not be male all of the time. And that, then, puts me into a position where I’ll likely be seen at least part-time as a transgender woman of color, which is one of the most dangerous positions I could inhabit — even though I wasn’t assigned a male gender at birth.
That is, granted, that the feminine expression continues past the point at which my body starts to look passably male, and is not abandoned as simply a survival mechanism. In my dream I was lamenting that I couldn’t have been offered hormone blockers earlier on to stop my chest from growing. At this point, there’s no way to undo that damage except reconstructive surgery, which is something considered risky.
The alternative, which I keep thinking of and then not doing, is to be gender-fluid in a female body which is altered by exercise. Logistically, this is a better position for me — I won’t be dependent on outside hormones for the rest of my life. But it still leaves me with the easy slide back into “why can’t I be any form of woman,” because it’s easy for me to forget that I’m gender-fluid and at times want to be a woman…which I’m not. Ever. Even in my most feminine form, my gender is “femme (which could apply to males and females and intersex people),” not “woman.” Going into the latter territory just messes with my head.
And it’s still hard to claim trans* male space, because of the machismo I’ve seen around that community. That is, when I’m a man, I’m only temporarily so. There is motion and flux involved between the poles of “male” and “female.” I’m rarely ever stagnant…except when I’m not doing anything except sleeping. Which, again, explains why I’ve been sleeping. It’s an easy and temporary escape from having to deal with my body and life.
Maybe I should consider going back to one or more gender groups…just to remind myself that I am gender-variant on a masculine vector, and not entirely a woman…