Trying to consider what of my life to share…

I think I’ve reached a relatively good point here with this blog, though I am…in the midst of questioning what it is I want to make public, and what my goals are, in regard to it.  I’m finding that a lot of the people following me are poets, which…I really never suspected would happen.  It’s not a bad thing, but I’m thinking maybe the title of this blog has become a bit misleading, seeing how my content has evolved.

In the beginning, I set up this blog as an online space to help me log my thoughts (so I wouldn’t forget) and to have a concentrated place to try and work out what I wanted to do with my life, careerwise.  Over time, though, it’s become more of a place to log my progress in my Art classes.  I’ve just seemed to settle on Art as something, besides Writing, that I really like to do.  Even though both of those things tend to scare me, for some reason (which, I just recalled, I should consult about with a specific person, if not more than one).

There’s nothing wrong with liking Art, it’s just a lot more work when it comes to posting images (I can’t yet program a macro to process everything for me; I’m doing it all manually).  This has paid off in readership, however; there are more people “Liking” posts here since I did begin to post my photos.  This is as versus when I had a text-only blog.  Generally I’ve found that many people will read and “Like” shorter posts more often than the three-page things I do sometimes.  🙂  Sometimes even a single photo will get, say, seven “Likes,” in a very short period of time — much shorter than the average for something I’ve written, which may take days before it may be read.

One other reason why I set up this blog is that, before I got my current job, I did do an interview for an online company who wanted a staff writer.  They asked me for writing samples; if I had experience with Search Engine Optimization; etc.  I had to tell them at the time, that I spent more time trying *not* to be noticed, than trying to cast the widest net possible for my audience.  (Sometimes the people you net are not the ones you wanted to net.)  But that did give me the idea of working for an IT company as a writer or content developer, and I thought WordPress might be a good place to train.

Part of that training, I think, is about not posting anything I’m thinking about, at any time I’m thinking of it, just to maintain traffic.  (If I don’t post regularly, I see my readership drop.)  In this I’m recalling that post (now invisible) where I was upset at the Spanish teacher making his students dance (there’s nothing wrong with dancing — if you consent to it), and it really hit a trigger point with me because of my gender issues.  In the time since then, I’ve realized that my friendships with various Latina women and just not being a butt are higher priority than venting about something which really just touched an open wound; the circumstances around which, I can’t disclose.

But yes…I do need to lay off of pressuring myself to post daily-to-every-few-days.  I know that when I told people I wouldn’t be around as often because of my work load, my readership dropped fairly dramatically.  Because I was doing something else, yes?  Maybe they started doing other things, too?  I’m not sure.  I do suppose that I had been posting really regularly, though — I haven’t yet looked that closely at my old Stats to make sure.  It just feels like I was at this desk a lot.  And anyway, the Stats aren’t meaning much, these days.  I can get multiple “Likes” the same day as I have no recorded readership.  So I really don’t know how many people are actually reading this blog.  I know how many are subscribed, but not how many actually look.

One thing I have found, though…is that my life does get a lot richer when I’m doing things other than writing all the time.  🙂  There’s less intellectualizing happening, and more experience.  To get direction in my life, I do need the experience.  And then it helps to have a written record to look back over.  It does help if I’m not drowning in a backlog of posts.  😉

It’s just that when I’m writing, it helps to have substantive things to write about, and I won’t get that from just writing all the time.  Which…is something which wasn’t really addressed in the Creative Writing program at my University.  Most of the other English majors who are in my life now, learn from reading instead of learning from doing.  I somehow can’t see myself reading as much as they do — because reading takes energy out of me.  And that’s because I’m critically engaging with everything I read, and I never agree with any authors, besides myself, 100%.

Anyhow.  I started this post thinking of what it is or was of my life which I’d feel comfortable sharing.  At this point — I do have things to share, but I’m uncertain about releasing them to the wild.  Why?

…I suppose on some level it makes me feel unique when a gorgeous image I have is known only to me.  But wealth isn’t wealth when it’s kept hidden and cut off from the rest of the world.  At base, this links to the content of my work, and it links also to the content of my psyche.  The major issue is with this platform being public, and my knowing that my content may be misused.  Once I share it, that is, it is no longer mine alone.

The other major issue is losing anonymity.  There is nothing about my work which is anonymous.  This stuff arises from specific times, places, and subjectivities.  If you know the background, you’ll be able to know where I was, how I think, and who I am.  But that’s the specific terror of being a creator within culture.  Everything I share moves me closer to the spot where I’m known.

But my subjectivity at the same time may be what makes my work valuable, and worth engaging with, you know?  At least, that’s how I think about the contributions of others, to culture.  There is always at least one critic, but criticism — destructive criticism, let me make clear — just happens to anyone who dares to speak or make or write or sing.  Anyone.  And it’s not my job to worry about it; but I see it happening all the time.

On the other hand.  Like I was telling my supervisor the other day…as time goes on I get tougher and stronger.  I like that.  It’s just the rubbing to build up that callus that is the annoyance…

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paintedstone

Haru ("Codey") is a second-year Master's student in Library and Information Science, hoping to find a way to fuse their desire to make the world a better place and to finance their art.

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