I stayed home from some family meeting today in order to work on homework (I’m told I didn’t miss much), but I didn’t feel really ready to face it until about 3 PM.  I got up sometime around noon, ate, took the pill to help me stay awake, went back to bed at about 1 PM, and got up at 3.  This is after I woke up at 7:30 to turn my alarm off, and fell back to sleep.

I am really…getting tired of this sedation thing.  But I haven’t actually been getting to bed at 10 PM like my doctor wanted, and other than the weight gain and the #*%@ tiredness, I’m OK.  The thought of being more anxious in exchange for being less tired isn’t a good one, especially with the people who like to visit my work and harass the employees.  (I haven’t mentioned that I stopped wearing heels and skirts to work because I feel like I may be called upon to defend myself [or others]…)

While I was trying to break back into my Figure Drawing homework, I realized that I actually hadn’t done any drawing since last Thursday, and that this was likely why the idea of trying to draw was intimidating.  I’ve found that my Art practice is similar to my experience of martial arts:  it’s fun while I’m doing it, and I’m good at it; but when I’m not doing it, I’m not terribly motivated to start.  And actually, with the martial arts, too, it’s similar:  I get kind of scared and don’t want to leave wherever I’m at or whatever I’m doing in order to do this thing which I like, but which I get intimidated by.  Of course, with martial arts, there’s the thing about flying through the air and the possibility of severe injury which I’m literally just a moment away from, repeatedly; art practice isn’t nearly as hazardous (unless we start talking about poisonous pigments and the like — but I do think I’m blowing my own cleanliness out of proportion, here).

Which means:  I need to keep at my practice, relatively constantly.  It’s something I didn’t do with my Writing, and as I said, I haven’t written fiction-as-fiction in years.  That in turn — especially when done with virtually all media — can cause my creativity to recoil on me, and then we get into some spaces that challenge the normative bounds of reality.  I am finding that art practice is effectively channeling this creativity away from my own self-image, which is nice; it gives some stable ground…but that doesn’t mean I’m not still afraid of the part of me that generates this stuff.

Then, today, there was the reading for Art History, which is incredibly easy to get bogged down in, and slow.  I was thinking of doing it earlier instead of drawing or painting, but then felt like I wouldn’t be doing “real” work.  Of course, though, reading is a huge time investment, and I didn’t realize how far behind I was until I counted out 50 pages before the end of the chapter.  Virtually all of them are interspersed with large images, but the text itself is small and in columns.  I can blow these up on my e-reader, but then it becomes very apparent how much information is contained there.

I’m taking a break from the reading now, though I probably should really be getting to bed soon.  I’m guessing, though, that since I only got out of bed at 3, I probably won’t want to sleep until about 3, as well.  Far-be-it for me to interrupt my irrational sleep/wake cycle.  (But seriously, I’d have 5 hours free to study if I worked like that…I’d probably just be useless until 6 PM the following evening if I worked like that, though, too.)

So I have 50 pages to go in my Art History book and about 25 hours in which to do it (half of which, I assume I’ll be asleep).  So, do I push myself to read four pages, every hour, on the hour?  😉

Man, that sounds horrible.  It also sounds like my paint will dry out.

In any case, maybe it will be a welcome reprieve from Painting and Drawing?  I’ve still got that acrylic painting due on Thursday, even though I have a surprise day tomorrow off (the huge Drawing assignment is delayed a week), and then Wednesday afternoon to work on it.  And after my critique, I will — with much surprise — actually get to see my counselor again.  FINALLY.  Finally get to see my counselor, again.  And ask my counselor WHAT WAS I THINKING TAKING 9 UNITS ON TOP OF 19 HOURS OF WORK.  Right.  And then it will be all like “it feels like you have some energy around that?” right.

Now, if I could just see the dentist and my other doctor, as soon…(I was supposed to see the dentist last Thursday, but he had to cancel; my other doctor wants to see me as well, but I was unable to book a standard appointment.  I can call her tomorrow.)

The thing is, if this hadn’t been a holiday and I’d really assented to that Lab class every Monday — it wouldn’t have been nearly as hard to get started, because I would have had help.  Plus, I probably would have started about three hours earlier, and actually gotten up and stayed up, way before noon.  And I might have actually washed my face today.  😛

Okay, let’s not go there, but.  Having someplace to go gives me a reason to take care of myself, yes?  Kind of like rolling around on the ground gives me a reason to take a shower…okay, that’s another martial arts reference, but I think I’ve made my point.  Doing things requires effort, preparation and aftercare, beyond just, “did I eat today?”

Taking the lab means I have zero days off during the week, with the exception of holidays.  Not taking the lab means I have to be tougher on myself about not going back to bed just because I’m scared.  I’m thinking that the best route to take so that I’m not scared of my own creativity is simply to use it day in and day out, so I never have a long break without it, and never get used to having put it down.

I think I’ll rewrite my goals for Lab and post them, though I’m not sure now is the best time to do so.

Or, I could see if I left that Art and Fear posting somewhere in the backlog…


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Haru ("Codey") is a third-year Master's student in Library and Information Science, hoping to find a way to fuse their desire to make the world a better place and to finance their art.

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