Sorry about the unannounced leave of absence. This majorly had to do with midterms — well, that and some health issues which flare up given a certain amount of stress, which can be relatively incapacitating. (I’m still having a difficult time getting words out of my mouth.) The good thing is that now midterms are over. The bad thing is that there are only about 7 weeks of school left, so everything else is going to get crammed into about 15-17 more classes.
I’ve realized that if I do stay in school, I’m really going to want to register with DSPS, so that if I get too stressed and freeze up again, my saying that my symptoms are flaring up and that my motivation has temporarily disappeared won’t just be my word. I should have evidence and my doctor’s authority to back me up. This has come up more and more often, the older I get. I think it happened last semester; I know it happened in the Library Science program. The last time I was registered was about 5 years ago…before I was hired as a volunteer, which then led to my employment.
I was told by one of my counselors (not a school one, but a government one) to stop taking classes at that point to preserve my GPA so I could get into the Library Science program. I should not have listened to that advice, or at least I should have investigated the nature of being a Librarian further, before beginning the program. As it is, I now am a forgotten number of thousands of dollars more in debt (probably at least 4), and know fairly seriously that at least Public Library work is not a job I’ll love and want to stay in for the rest of my life. It involves outreach, politics, and instructing and managing people, way too much. That is, it deals with people too much.
There are several years in there, between the time I stopped my Community College classes and before I started the Library Science program, in which I could have been building skills which I put off because I thought I wanted to work in a library. But thinking you want to do it and actually doing it are two different things. It’s one thing to be a library patron enjoying a quiet and safe space; it’s another thing to be the guardian that ensures that quiet and safe space continues to exist.
The last portfolio critique for my Drawing class was actually not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, and because of that, and being exposed to some new patterns of working given by my prof. to the junior students, I’m considering taking Beginning Figure Drawing next semester. I should have most of the implements already. I’m hoping it will focus more on gestural drawing as versus contour or realism, as gesture is one of the things I missed in my first two classes.
Drawing can be difficult, and it can be stressful. I’m trying to figure out how to make it less so. And I’m thinking about aiming for skills and not Certificates, though as I look at this now — an Art Certificate is closer than I’d thought, should I take Beginning Figure Drawing and continue on with the series. I’d then be 5 classes away.
I am also right on the cusp of attempting to figure out how to combine text and image… It would be cool to be able to use that in my art pieces (as I did this go-’round, with a high degree of success). Because of the nature of this, I won’t say more on that subject, for now.
So I know now that I’m not totally biased against drawing or Art, but that it is actually hard work, and that I shouldn’t go into it thinking it will be easy (just because it’s been easy when I’ve been playing at it. Of course. If you’ve drawn the same thing thousands of times, it gets easy. Drawing new things isn’t necessarily so, though). Something someone told me today did really resonate with me, though: that learning and developing is fun and easy before you know the rules.
I was thinking of the time when I modified an origami paper crane to make the form of a dragon I’d seen elsewhere — I’d just made so many cranes that it was easy to modify the form. I wonder if it’s possible to get back to that…to get back to the place where I play enough that improvisation comes naturally. It happened with myself and guitar practice, as well…once one knows some chords and starts tinkering around with the strings, it’s relatively easy to write actual music (even if you don’t know music notation, you can use tabulature). And at a certain point it gets soothing just to play around with the notes.
I wonder if that insight can transfer over…