One more half-day of work and then the school cycle starts again. I’m most of the way through Chapter 3 in my Communications book, but I’ll still need to read Chapter 12 before the week is out.
The Union of Opposites picture I began last Thursday still hasn’t been worked on; that’s mostly because I wanted to make it in color and then realized that I’d have to pick out a color scheme. I’d also wanted to color it using colored pencils…of which I have a sometimes-frustrating, sometimes-delighting variety. The thing with those, though, too, is that they are essentially permanent. There is no erasing a colored pencil mark clean.
I have a hard time with finishing drawings, because I am fairly consistently concerned that I’m going to mess it up at some point. However, there is something that my teacher said last class: that she is a firm believer that if you made it once, you can make it again and make it better. This is comforting.
One of the things which I’ve been really somewhat mystified at is the phenomena of seeing the lines and marks before drawing them, so that the act of drawing itself is simply tracing over what was in your thoughts. Kind of like I can put down a “ghost overlay” and then just move my hand over the places my mind tells it to go. For me, drawing is kind of intuitive like this, and I guess that of course if that’s where your mind is, and you don’t know where the images are coming from, or why what appears where, it could be kind of freaky.
I find myself wanting to write more on the spirituality angle, but to be honest, it is still really kind of sensitive territory for me. I’m thinking of writing it into a story of some sort (or more appropriately, the information could work as foundation of a number of stories), but I don’t want to start writing about my philosophy first, with the story coming in at a distant second. I have heard of this happening; I have tried never to see it in action.
What is apparent is that I’m going to want to start writing offline again, because there are some aspects of the process of building a story that really aren’t suitable for public consumption.
And then I go, “wait, you mean I can do more with my computer than go online?” Why yes angel cakes, yes you can.
I recently picked up a book on channeling. I am always iffy on picking up books on metaphysics now, because when I get back into an atheistic/heavy questioning mode, I start feeling like all the time spent on studying this stuff has been worthless. I went through a kind of disillusionment like that pretty hardcore with Buddhism. But that’s basically because I question — if not all of Buddhism, pretty much the foundations I’d need to hold the religion up.
Karma; the life of Shakaymuni; the vinaya; the issue of “sentience”; the issue of sexism in institutionalized Buddhism…I just seem to have pushed beyond this point. Initially it helped, but then I seem to have moved beyond the point at which the upaya made sense. Which…well, that’s to be expected, isn’t it? But I really can’t call myself a Buddhist at this point.
Regarding the subject of “channeling,” though… I haven’t read into the book very deeply, but…it seems like I already have experience with this. It does in effect seem like I’m pretty confused as to what has happened with me, and who is who when it comes to spirits. I suppose, as with humans, I tell who is who not by physical characteristics but by patterns of behavior.
Anyhow…the main issue I’m having with that channeling book…there were two, but either I forgot one or writing out the below helped dissolve the second one:
It tells one to make sure only to contact beings “of the Light”, which is something I’ve not ever really adhered to — this is because of negative experiences with people posing as though they are “of the Light” while preaching hate (particularly various sorts of Christians). (added by my spirit guide after the rest of this: I’m being told to disrecognize these people as of the Light and to embrace the true Light within me.)
I have seen some things happen with others I’ve known online and IRL when they broke the rule having to do with contacting the Light types only…nothing really pretty. This ranges from unexpected and unnecessary deaths to psychic distress to astral dismemberment.
However, I haven’t really known what was supposed to be symbolized by “the Light”, and as such I haven’t been certain the information is aimed at me. Of course, this could be kind of like a different time when I didn’t think a warning was aimed at me and I ended up with stitches in my chin.
I suppose I can contact the spirits I already know — the ones who I know are good, at least — and ask what is meant by this. Of course, though, then I’d have to sync up with them to get the information, and you’re not supposed to do that with beings who aren’t of “the Light.”
As it is, I know I’m part of a group; I know that group is beneficial and not-hostile to me as things stand now. I just don’t know who is who, how many there are, what their origins are, how they’re connected to me, or what they’re working towards. It seems fairly evident that there is an agenda (say, survival of the human species and life on Earth, ending hate, etc.), or why loop me into it as a maker?
Though from the feeling I’m getting from one in particular, right now, I’m getting the sense that the conflict is moot because they are of “the Light.” I’m also getting the feeling that, although I have explored, in depth, the question of what a demon actually is, the truth is that a demon is someone who tests people, and meaningless pain and violence — inflicted by the test subject — is the result when the person fails. So there is a polarity, but good and evil are not what they say they are. (I have historically not used the term “evil”, so this is probably not my own thought, but hers.)
I suppose it would make sense that, given that the book is aimed at those who aren’t already channeling — given that what they refer to as “channeling” actually is channeling and not something else — as they’re meaning to keep readers safe, this could be why the “of Light” specification is given. Given what I know, I’m fairly certain there are different clusters of spirits worldwide with their own internal cultures; maybe just the “Light” ones are personally known to be “safe” to the writers.
But again — I’m getting a really reassuring feeling from one of my spirits, that I don’t need to worry about this, at least with her; and as she works with the others, they are likely to be safe too.
She seems to also be telling me, though, that the reading I got from an online friend was wrong, and that I shouldn’t confuse present-day guides with common yurei, or human ghosts. The first overt contact I recognized as possibly a ghost (as I did not puppet him) might also well have lied about being a ghost — I was 11 and probably would not have understood much. As I got older I came to see ghosts as energetic echoes across time and space of traumatic events…not beings with internal sources of action, in specific.
Maybe it will be good to read that book.
And… I’m being told to get some rest. More work, tomorrow. Don’t want to yell at someone. 😉
Good night, all.